Hi!
So I was on YouTube. This film was featured on my homepage. The title caught me off guard.
The Transposition
First of all, it's:
Shaolin vs Ninja
But then, when I searched it on Google —
And on Startpage —
Possibly because:
-
there was no "American Shaolin", only "American Ninja" — thus the subconscious-swap.
Anyway, if there were American Shaolin, it would be... well... almost identical to "Zen with shotguns".
-
Or, or... IMDb did:
You see, "N" comes before "S" in the alphabet. So let's try that:
The machine hath spoken. ð
The Title
The title is rather abstract.
That sounds like "Oxford against Tesco Security".
Or even better, a modern intellectual property lawsuit: "Apple vs Samsung".
As if the entire people working at those companies are standing face-to-face on a rugby pitch, ready to pound each other.
Thirty players on a pitch is already crowded.
Now imagine THOUSANDS of employees lining up in the mud with sheer corporate vengeance in their eyes:
- Forty Janices from Accounts clenching both fists. Forming an unstoppable phalanx. Of invoice-wielding Spartans. Or New Zealanders.
- Two hundred Kevins from HR locking arms in the scrum, foaming at the mouth.
- An entire sea of lanyard-wearing staff shouting in unison — TAKE THEIR SUPPLY CHAIN!
Two massive corporate armies sprinting head-on to batter each other.
Well.
Back to the title.
Shaolin. WHICH part?
- The ENTIRE institution?
- The whole temple complex? Worldwide?
- Every monk? Worldwide?
And then ninja. Is it —
- the word itself?
- that one bloke in black pyjamas doing cartwheels?
ð§
Ninjas (shinobis) were MI6 field agents / CIA operatives of feudal Japan.
Ninja = shinobi.
Shinobi (åŋãģ) is the original Japanese term, meaning "to conceal oneself, to endure, to sneak".
Ninja (åŋč ), same meaning, but it's the Sino-Japanese reading of the same characters (åŋč ). Ninja as a word didn't really become common in Japan until the 20th century. Thanks to pulp novels, movies, and TV shows in the 1900s, then exploded into pop culture in the 1960s–80s.
Sino-Japanese = words or phrases of Chinese origin in the Japanese language.
"Sino-" simply means Chinese.
This "ninja" trope in entertainment, it should be accompanied by a book titled —
How to Gather Intel While Knocking over Bins, Spining Nunchucks, and Yelling “HIYAH!” before Tripping over a Dog Bowl and Cannot Remember Anything. On Tuesday.
It should contain a lot of words. And a lot of diagrams. Electrical, even.
Mandatory read in the Ministry of Tactical Nonsense.
The Synopsis
The synopsis on YouTube justified everything by using "intertwined".
Well, the gist of it.
The culprate, I must see.
As the two show off there weapons...
There? Weapons?
That's like —
I eat, there, meal. There. ðŦą Meal. I eat.
Or perhaps —
As the two show off... THERE! ððĪļðŦą WEAPONS!
Styles and shapes.
As if Shaolin (suppose a bloke named "Shaolin") prefers hexagon flow, while the ninja (suppose another bloke wearing a black-panther onesie) utilises rhombus strike.
That's actually GOOD for a cartoon. The show should be called —
Is it a cartoon? Yes, er, no. Is it a puppet show? Yes, er, no. Is it mathematical? YES! Is it? ðĪ
Now the two groups must drop everything and deal with the evil power.
Drop everything, including the trousers.
Drop everything, lads. Scrolls, nunchucks, Stillsons, dignity, trousers. ALL OF IT.
The evil power approaches, and we're going into full surrender mode.
The evil! Stop bickering and drop your pants!
No evil force can compute that level of tactical manoeuvre.
So then I watched the film.
Well, mostly skimmed it.
What an amusement that was.
The Blimey
I was mesmerised.
If ninjutsu had those frontal somersaults in broad daylight, there would be no ninja. The black polyester flannel pyjamas wouldn't help.
And there would be no "American Ninja". It would just be "American".
Michael Joseph Stephen Dudikoff Junior wouldn't have the chance to say —
Hello, I'm a ninja. You can tell by the fact I'm being followed by a camera crew and a synth guitar riff.
Instead, he would mutter —
Hello.
Back to the film.
In that film, one scene, a group of ninjas tried to give an old master a lesson:
Let's surround the bloke and flail about. Shurikens, lads!
They bloody surrounded the target! And then, for ninja reasons, they did a shuriken-fetish boogie. Well. All right.
So that sequence of ultra interesting choreography made me waited for them to converge into some sort of Godzilla-bot — no luck.
Imagine seven blokes in black pyjamas clattering together like mismatched IKEA parts until they form ShurikenZilla 3000.
ShurikenZilla 3000, commence! Activate. Engage. Combine. Incorporate. Aggregate. Trousers.
Blimey, a ninjutsu-lad would also go — BLIMEY!
Well — most likely — the ninjutsu-lad would simply have subtly quizzical eyebrows. Rule number one, silence. Shouting "blimey" is not silence.
Indeed, it's stated in the Handbook of Infiltration & Espionage (Edo Period), Clause 1, Subsection A:
Anyway.
That isn't ninjutsu, that is Kabuki parkour with budget weapons.
ð§
Ninjutsu is more of a 20th-century revival / reconstruction, not a one-to-one survival of what shinobi actually trained in centuries ago.
Shinobi trained in various practical survival skills and martial arts. Essentially, take a normal warrior's training, then add spying, trickery, sabotage.
SPYING. TRICKERY. SABOTAGE.
ð§
Parkour began in France in the late 1980s and early '90s, rooted in military obstacle-course training (mÃĐthode naturelle) and adapted by a group of youngsters in Lisses, led by David Belle and inspired by his father, a firefighter who trained in that method.
ð§
Kabuki sprang up in early 17th-century Japan, credited to a shrine dancer named Izumo no Okuni who began performing lively, dramatic skits in Kyoto around 1603.
ð§
Godzilla first stomped onto screens in Japan in 1954, created by Toho Studios as a metaphor for nuclear destruction in the wake of Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and the Lucky Dragon No. 5 incident.
ð§
Voltron debuted in 1984 as an American adaptation of two unrelated Japanese anime series (Beast King GoLion and later Armored Fleet Dairugger XV).
Yes, Beast King GoLion.
Therefore, you see ðĪ —
The Awkwardness
It's a mashup:
- Ming / Qing dynasty monk robes (Ming: 1300s-1600s / Qing: 1600s-1900s).
- Edo samurai costumes (1600s–1800s).
- And "occupied China" (1930s) narration as the duct tape holding it together.
It's the cinematic equivalent of making a WWII movie where —
- Churchill wears a Viking helmet,
- Rommel shows up in a toga,
- and the Americans parachute in dressed as cowboys.
That actually is wicked.
(Ali G is summoned.)
Big up da Mongol Empire, innit?
Historical accuracy got kung fu kicked out of the window before filming even began.
Not a single motorcar, lorry, or even a rusty bicycle rolls past. What part of China in '30s was that? So everyone walked and ran? Not even a horse or rickshaw? But those buildings... they had stones.
Perhaps the region was called "Legging It".
And the motto could be "Transportation = Limbs, deal with it." Actually, it sounds wholesome, until it doesn't.
ð§
In real 1930s Manchuria / China, we'd see trains, trucks, soldiers marching with rifles, telegraph wires, maybe even a gramophone crackling in the background.
Monks with Santa beards. ðĪ
The Story
I DID NOT follow the plot. Because this film was very... interesting, I could not keep my focus. Too many interesting parts.
There were people in it, then parkour, shouting, sitting, standing up, ropes, ribbons, and such.
One bloke said —
We must go to China. With all my strength, I'll get revenge! (Clenching fists.)
The other bloke replied —
Quite, quite, quite. — And then continued —
Right! (Clenches right fist with his podao in his left hand.)
The prior bloke continued —
...and get revenge for his debt!
— or "death".
The scene was ended by them doing a power combine grip. Very excellent. That's a dialogue.
That's A DIALOGUE with A POWER GRIP!
Then all of them fought indoors.
That's a classic pub malarkey.
Shouting, sitting, standing, ribbons, then [blank].
Oi! Why am I on a pavement?
Shaolin vs Nina
Now that is a movie title that shouldn't exist.
This summer....
The Shaolin institution, 1,500 years of history, thousands of monks, tiger stance, crane stance, scrolls, relics, and even that courtyard squirrel — all mobilised against one woman named Nina.
Available in 4K on nowhere.
No IMDb entry. Only rumours.
But! Which Nina?
At least, I am more specific with the "Nina", unlike "ninja".
And "Shaolin" in "Shaolin vs Nina" could be Bob.
As opposed to "Jennifer Love Hewitt", it's "Robert Saw Lynn".
ROBERT. SAW. LYNN.
Jennifer = noun.
Love = verb in present form.
Hewitt = noun.
The formula = noun-verb-noun.
Robert Saw Lynn.
Robert = noun.
Saw = verb in past form.
Lynn = noun.
Saw Lynn = almost sounds "Shaolin".
People simply call him Bob.
The actual film has Robert Tai in it.
Hence, "Robert" fits.
ROBERT. SAW. LYNN.
All right, it's —
— then.
The Lou
If you look closely at the Google Search screenshot, you'll see the main character is played by Alexander Lou. "Lou"?
As in Lou... Louis [Roman numerals here]?
It's usually Lo (įū ). Or "Luo" in Hanyu Pinyin romanisation.
He was a former taekwondo champion of 1978 Taiwan, class unknown, but roundhouse kicks confirmed deadly.
Indeed, he's not the one who said —
With all my strength (Clenching fists dramatically.)
As opposed to Wasm (the WebAssembly), it's WAMS (With All My Strength).
If the WebAssembly were abbreviated as WebAss, it would still mean a binary instruction format for a stack-based virtual machine — no change.
Anyway.
The not bit above, was brought to you by a bloke shouting at me —
Hang on... that ain't Lou. That's Brother Tanaka from the prop department!
Blimey, I need to pay attention to the plot.
Imagine if he were Lou, then in the name of a bleating sheep, he would be... on both sides?
Exhibit:
I'll get revenge on those lads!
But I'm also one of those lads.
There weapons!
Thus, the saga is complete.
Shaolin vs Ninja ➡️ Ninja vs Shaolin ➡️ Lo (Luo) ➡️ Lou.
SAW LYNN VS NINA
We have Robert Saw Lynn and Nina Hewitt in it.
Bob (Robert) is played by Jean-Baptiste Louis-François de la Fromage-Duchamp.
Jean-Baptiste Louis-François de la Fromage-Duchamp is a Swedish actor.
Jean. Baptiste. Louis. François. De. La. Fromage. Duchamp.
Nina is played by a song by Jennifer Love Hewitt in 200[?], DekanErab.
ðĪð (Acoustic feedback.) Please read DekanErab from right to left.
The song DekanErab starts as follows:
Did uoy reve evah taht maerd ðĩ
Erehw er'uoy gniklaw dekan nwod eht teerts ðĩ
Dna enoyreve tsuj serats ðĩ
(Clank clink clank. 1 = G)
Take that, boustrophedon!
Gniklaw and enoyreve tsuj serats? Trousers, mate.
Saw Lynn vs Nina: The Synopsis
In a world where balance sheets and broken hearts are intwined, Bob Saw Lynn, a mild-mannered accountant with thick glasses and thicker ledgers, discovers that his quiet life of numbers is under threat. Nina, a mysterious played-backwards-but-not-really song whose motives remain unclear, challenges not just his arithmetic but his very sense of order.
What begins as a dispute over missing receipts soon escalates into a high-stakes confrontation involving staplers, tax codes, and the meaning of petroleum itself. As Bob and Nina — Nina, the played-backwards-but-not-really song — lock horns in conference rooms and filing cabinets, their struggle reveals a culprate lurking in the background: unpaid takeaway burger.
Now, the two must confront the truth. Only one will balance the books. Bob, obviously. There weapons.
There weapons, I write this sentence for meself. Therefore, "there weapons" comes into play with its plural styles and shapes.
Saw Lynn vs Nina: The Theme
Title: WAMS
Lyrics:
With all my strength!
I saw one, ever!
La la la la la, la la la la
Key: 1 = A or go with F# minor scramble.
Saw Lynn vs Nina: The Laurel Wreaths
Audience Member #42 is a menace.
That lad, Bob — look at him! As if he's about to audit your soul.
Drink tea. Fear Nina.