This specimen ⬇️
⬆️ That orc.
The modern concept of the orc in entertainment originates largely from J.R.R. Tolkien, who popularised them in The Lord of the Rings as brutish, corrupted creatures bred for war by dark powers. Though inspired by earlier mythological beings such as goblins, ogres, and various demonic entities from European folklore, Tolkien gave orcs a distinct identity — organised, militaristic, and inherently malicious. His influence shaped fantasy literature, tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons, and video games, where orcs are now a staple enemy race, often portrayed with green skin, muscular builds, and a tribal warrior culture. Over time, variations have emerged, but most still trace back to Tolkien's original wartime allegory.
Brutish. 🤔 If they were British, composed creatures bred by tea and honour, I postulate they would go like: Biscuits? What a splendid day, this is.
And they don't roar before battle. They issue polite disclaimers. Terribly sorry, but I must eviscerate you now. Regulation and all. (Giant axe on shoulder with a smile.)
We just invented proper HR-compliant berserkers. Polite, punctual, and absolutely lethal — but only with cause and a written memo.
Good for us.
Biology
We have a race of beings with cranked body-builder default physique. Yet none of the weight-lifting repetitions, proper protein intake culture. Just suddenly... that.
The Carpenters should make a song about them.
🎹 (Pling, pling, pling)
🎵 Why do muscles suddenly appear?
🎵 Every time one of us is born?
🎵 Just like that, they just appear
🎵 On meeee
We all love the Carpenters. Admit it.
Those aren't muscles, I believe. More like lumps of hardened goo from birth. And their normal faces look as if they're in the brink of a stroke. Blimey. It's all that inborn-goo-which-becomes-hardened fault — look, side effects. Green. Tusks. Malicious. Organised. Organised? Well I'll be.
(Orc shaman.) Fellow orcs. We gather here because of the goo that gathers us.
(Orc NPCs.) Organised! Organised!
(An orc child.) Organisation!
(Orc NPCs.) 🤨🤨🤨 What mean organ...sashon?
(An orc child.) 👀 Uh-oh... ORGANISED! ORGANISED!
(Orc shaman.) Bryan, stop that.
Tusks
In nature, we'd find a boar. With its majestic tusks.
But when we pay attention to that, a boar has a snout — unlike humans.
Also, this walrus.
Or... a wandering, camouflaging hippopotamus.
Human skeletal (and, most importantly, dental) design is completely daft to be equipped with "tusks" or elongated fangs. That's because those ornaments will obstruct us from biting and chewing the meal.
Sure it looks scary. But from medical view, that's bloody comical.
Ah, perhaps that's the other reason why they have the constipated expression all the time. We'll be like that too when every time we lean forward over a Sunday roast, our tusks clink off the plate like cutlery. Oi, I want to eat steak! (Constipated face.)
Thus understandable if their slogan is "I'll destroy you 😤😡🤬". Who wouldn't have that slogan from waiting for proper solid food in 12 years?
I haven't chewed in over a decade and my dinner sounds like porridge in stereo.
Blender
So I guess orcs consume only smoothies. They can't get rid off the tusks — visual, the aesthetics is their... thing.
If they took the tusks out, they'd be just like Bob. A society of Bobs? Well, I don't mind. In this neighbourhood, we are all accountants.
And rightly so, in Tolkien's universe, the orc society is the inventor of blender. It was first introduced by Professor Skullsplitter and further developed until its current stable release, version Bonechewer. Next year, it will be Gutsnarl as it should solve the glitchy gear-ratio dependencies.
Emitting Loud Noise Before Attack
Not just orcs who do that, almost everything in film, audio-visual entertainment in general. Mutated reptile, enormous moth, fire-breathing rabbit, and so forth. Not in any full moon a lioness would announce to its prey, Oi, maaaaaatteeee! No way. There would be no carnivore, then. Even the snakes would produce sound, Yooooooo, lad! (A squirrel dashes.) Oh, FOOD. How I long to have one. 🤦🐍
Such dramatisation needs a lot of pints.
Zombies
Unrelated to orcs, but within "looks over function".
You know, "zombie" in films? With their dangling jaws. Allegedly "eat brains" — but their own jaw is hanging off.
In their awkward realm: food goes in and falls out the neck hole.
Chew: Na possible. Look at my bloody jaw, ya plonker.
Now then. 🤔
I think they need to see Professor Skullsplitter about that.
Braiiin... Bbrraiiin... Eat brain...
Mate, you can't even whistle properly.
Monster with Multiple Mouths
Also unrelated to orcs, but within "wow, that looks terrifying".
Hydra for instance, a multi-headed muppet. All teeth, no throat — growling about. So how does it eat? That's peculiar.
Hydra Rebuttal
I exist. And therefore, I.
🤔 All right. 🤷
🤔🤨 Wait mate, does that come from one head or all of them? I mean you do have plenty of heads to control one body. That's rather excessive and prone to... bugs.
(One head is doing npm install with no lock file.) Void, give me strength of none. I need to install the blank into mine precious limbs.
(Other head is chewing rock.)
(Other head.) Oi! Use pip! We're bloody snake... are we not?
⬆️ You see, none are aligned. They — or it — can rebut all day long.
Oh, hence... no... defecation unit exists. It's all smooth at the back.
Like that Lernaean Hydra from Twelve Labours of Hercules (not Heracles, the OG Greek — Hercules, the Roman).
The Greek version had depth and typical lunacy, the Roman version had biceps. Let's go with biceps. Go biceps! We gather here because of biceps.
Biceps, go biceps! 💪
Iolaus brought flamethrower because it could regrow its heads.
The "it" is the hydra, not Iolaus. We don't call a male human with "it" too usually. What a story that could be if Iolaus can regrow his heads (plural? 🤔) and he casually brings a flamethrower simply because it looks dashing and he can regrow his heads. 🤔🧐
Bit tricky this "growing heads"... and the "male human" vs "human male". 🤦
Adjective (sex) + noun (species) vs noun (species) + descriptor (sex) exhibit:
Oh, that's a male baboon.
But with humans, we classify Bob as a human male.
If then the baboon is called Bob... 🤔
This is called The Bob-Baboon Classification Dilemma. No one asked for that, ever. As it was unnecessary until I brought it up. Oh, me.
One scene for Iolaus the flamethrower wielder:
(One new head spurts.)
I'm in the middle of a conversation, you don't grow now.
(Blaze of glory to his own face.)
By Jove, what a character.
Iolaus: The Flameheaded Gentleman.
We just made Iolaus much more eccentric than Iunonis Gloria (Hercules — no Hera in Roman mythology, Juno — Iuno).
Indeed, no Bob in Lernaean Hydra bit.
If Bob were in it, then the hydra would certainly consist of cloacae. Plural, to accommodate those different heads. "... consist of cloacae." 🤔 What an image. And Bob would mutter,
Well?
And the hydra would surrender unconditionally in shame. Not quite a mythology, that. The Bob. That sparks no imagination.
Even in Greek mythology, Bob is feared. Zeus hides behind clouds muttering, Don't bring Bob here…
(Bob is reading. Squinting.)
Vampires
Hm. 🤔
Too, unrelated to orcs, but still within the boundaries of Wally World.
They bite, never chew. Retractable fangs. At least retractable. Instead of employing syringe or such related tool, they... have that... ability. Look how messy they get when consuming the blood.
One posh vampire goes:
🧐 Naturally. Chewing is for amateurs. Real immortals gargle arterial spray.
I beg you pardon, that's quite bollocks, good sir.
🧐
You... beg me... pardon?
🧐
I mean "your". 🤦 I'm quite sure I meant to say that. 🤔
🧐 Naturally.
Why didn't their lips transform into a straw? Or, you know, the tongue. They have the utmost daft suction mechanics compared to a leech. Look at all that spilled blood! It's wasteful.
🧐 My lips are eternal.
Blimey! Bloke just chimed in and out like that. Where's the "ah-ah-ah"? Two apples, ah-ah-ah, three orangutans, ah-ah-ah.
Bram Stoker: 🤦 By the saints, this is utterly nonsensical.
AH-AH-AH.
⬆️ This section deserves to be projected onto the walls of Oxford with Gregorian chanting in the background.
Cannibals
That carnage feeding vampire should be related to cannibalism in entertainment.
Who eats like that?
Even actual cannibals would facepalm. Oi, it's for sacred ritual. You daft, mate? Viscera munching? Ever heard of Escherichia coli? Might as well use the boiling soup to wash your nostrils.
Or... tigers. Did you know tigers are neat when consuming their meal? 🤷 Nature.
Cannibalism in entertainment always depicts the cannibals can't speak properly, utterly menacing, yet... I mean that's like a bloke loves popcorn and he wears no trousers all the time. They're a bit unrelated. A bit.
(Delivered pizza exists.)
I squirt mustard to my face and frantically biting the pizza box. For the state! Myaaaa.
(Running the fork along his cheek.)
🤔
The flamethrower wielding Iolaus would go, Na.
Or, Sodium. (Humphry-Davy headbang.)
This should be taught in schools and universities. The cravat part — as vampire repellent.
Oh, sorry. The backstory. Humphry Davy always wore a cravat in his pictures and paintings. He coined the "sodium", which then Mendeleev renamed it as "natrium", with the symbol Na in his periodic table of elements — because the term "natrium" had already circulated prior "sodium" among people with ears. Periodic table of elements, you know, that thing... we probably... saw... in... high school? Think IKEA. It's like modular knowledge that no one ever assembled properly.
Mendeleev ➡️ Менделеев ➡️ [men-dye-LYE-yev] — the еев at the end is pronounced with two syllables: "ye-yev".
If it were transliterated "Mendeleyef", it'd be closer in pronunciation. But hey, most English speakers ignore all and just say "Bryan".
That's how the Anglo world collectively gave up on Mendeleev and picked the "Bryan method". Oh, that periodic table of elements? Richard Bryan was the one who published it under a pseudonym, Brian. Blimey, there's no "M" found. Just like K is potassium.
Or in Carpenters' way:
🎵 Just like K, it longs to be
🎵 Potassium
🎵 Aaa... ooh ooh...
🎵 Potassium
(Davy) sodium appeared ➡️ (Mendeleev) Na was published ➡️ (English) Oh, we'll keep the sodium and that provocative looking Na ➡️ headbang.
Thus the sequence of events above finally ends up in a live metal concert. Nerdic to Nordic.
Imagine if Lenny Kravitz were called Teddy Cravats. 🤔 Theodore Alabaster Cravats III.
They can't pierce through that.
⬆️ What they and that? They = vampires, that = cravat. Ey, we're back at vampires within the hypothetical flamethrower wielding Iolaus who said Sodium. We'll continue the wally saga. (That walrus above nods.)
Especially when the cravat is made of titanium.
⬆️ From "They can't pierce through that."
And oh, sodium, naturally. Sprinkle some salt here and there, potassium to the chin. Science!
You see, in academia, we need a subject solely dedicated to nonsense. It's called academia. As in the entire institution is the subject.
🤷
This intense drumming is to convey both vampire trope and Sir Humphry Davy, the esteemed potman.
Lead the way, Lord Drumton!
🎵 Humphry Davy. Sodium man. Potassium man.
🎵 CRAVAAAAAT! 💀
(Windmill headbang.)
🎵 Crotassium man...
🎵 Cravat!
(Full-body bang.)
🎵 PravaaaAAAAT! ☠️
(Slow ritual bang.)
🎵 Potassium man!
🎵 Cravat!
Comments
Post a Comment