I was looking around for folktales from around the world. And, a-ha! That Dutch folktale, "The Boy Who Wanted More Cheese" — Klaas. So then I searched that on mobile, and this autocomplete appeared...
🤣
Most unexpected...
Hm, now then, what have we here? The village Volendam in the story most certainly has no internet, nor even a computer, as it is set in a time before the Integrated Circuit (IC) was invented. 🤔
😃 We shall proceed with modern Klaas then. 💡
A tale of a boy with three keyboards, two mice, and regrets.
And pints.
📖 The Boy Who Wanted More... PDF 💾
I lurk in broken hyperlinks and corrupted file paths... I feast on outdated metadata... I live inside deprecated CSS frameworks... The Data Goblin. 👺
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one version of the tale.
Induced by Google Search on Android. 🤣
Gremlin Bedtime Series
📨 The Girl Who Replied to the Prince of Nigeria
Credits Roll
Elmer Fudd 🎤 singing Marit & Marion's "Mirror, Mirror" refrain excerpt.
A platypus does exotic belly dance and blacks out.
Klaas Gerechtigheid
Gerechtigheid = justice. I think. In a conversation, Oi, gerechtigheid! Ja. 🤨 Nee. Waarom?
Everyone, a toast to Klaas, the pretty comprehensive digital archive boy. 🍻 Data Goblin can eat dust.
Hear, hear! 🍻
Klaas transcends... through the spirit of romanisation (normanisation) denial, the echoes of glass meeting glass, the chords progression, bass and beat, and the first whispered
tou.
Serenely ignores the sequence of events.
Logic surrenders and bows down to Klaas.
We can't go wrong with
Ni ming bu ming bai? Shuo bu chu lai. Xin zhong dui ni de yi lai.
Blimey, that's a proper repellent for Data Goblin. When we mutter Ni ming bu ming bai? Shuo bu chu lai. Xin zhong dui ni de yi lai. Oi! Ni ming bu ming bai? whenever something or someone annoys us, we'll focus on the enunciation in a voice pitched somewhere between a flute and a smoke alarm — instantly, we'll forget why even we say that. Hence the annoyance is repelled. It's like that MIB flash, but it's self-emitted. It's not swearing, it's to confuse the cosmos. And thus, we sail away from the emotional storm. Socrates would nod at us. For a different reason.
Let us imagine how very intense that should sound and look:
(Being punched in the forehead by a table.)
Oh you...你明不明白？我说不出来。心中对你的依赖。 (2093 Hz base note. Face is reconstructing itself for finding the correct pitch and utterance.) 🎤🔊
See? It's thermonuclear Mandarin. In English, it means... somewhat... Do you even understand? I can't explain it. There's this reliance on you deep in my heart. Either way, try to sing that as on-the-spot-composition almost-refrain in banshee mode. It's not a lament, it's an inquiry to the cosmos with sidenote which has no direct answer.
Data Goblin stands no chance.
My missing-one-closing-div ears!, he screamed. Data Goblin weeps like a proper... corrupted registry entries, jammed DC motor goblin. Diarrhoea jolts from his nose like an upside-down geyser goblin.
Goblin on Google Search
That's the first result for "goblin".
Oi, Google Search and whoever used Google Translate to give it "English vibe", that's clearly a K-Drama. Dokkaebi is not a bladdy goblin. Slapping ISBN on it doesn't mean it's a proper goblin. Dokkaebi DOES NOT live under bridges or in caves or RAM or toaster, jolt diarrhoea from the nose, have missing-one-closing-div ears as ears, and een lichaamsgeur uitstralen van verlopen SSL-certificaten. 🤦🤷 The last bit means emanate expired-SSL-certificates body odour. Hyphen party. 🥳
Imagine if the drama were about actual goblins melancholically arguing about roasted yam in the rain with their bloody twisted faces — wrung faces.
Boiled clams, I would subscribe to the producer's chin.
Goblin as Unicode
And this emoji 👺 is TENGU, not a goblin. May I have a moment of your esteemed attention, Unicode Consortium?
A goblin would gnaw a katana instead of masterfully making itself a helicopter with the sword. Goblin is having green colour usually, like out-of-date phlegm. Not that fancy radioactive green.
Trolls sit cross-armed in the comments section going, "You're all wrong and here's a 4,000-word rant about it."
"Not if the keyboard layout is possessed", said Data Goblin, gawking from processor fan.
"Indeed!", said a router rewiring gremlin while giggling in binary.
Conclusion
Thus the gremlinstory above is, technically, utterly goblin. 🤔
Oh, oh.
Ni ming bu ming bai? Shuo bu chu lai. Xin zhong dui ni de yi lai.
(⚡ Zap.) 🤕 Where am I?
Ah
Like George Benson once sang, I never ask for more than your laugh. I mean Bob. Bob sang that. Boban Bobson, he is.
你明明很爱我，明明不想要走。
Clearly.
That song "Eternal Blame" performed by Atomic Kitten in clothes.
(Out of sync beat. Everybody trips.)
Close your eyes.
Give me your hand, darling.
Do you have a hand, darling?
Do you understand?
Do your ears exist?
Or am I only dreaming?
Is this burning, an eternal blame?
(Shrieking 你明不明白 and so on.)
Dutch Folktale: The Boy Who Wanted More... Dutch Storytelling
Dutch Folktale: The Boy Who Wanted More... Dutch Folktale
Klaasje Zevenster is apparently abstaining from cheese.
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