Monkey Raptor V.2

I Played Offence Hello! 👋 This is the "Italian Game: Giuoco Piano" opening position: Now then, you might see that title and think — Oh, a pawn promoted to a queen, rather ordinary. Moving on. Well. Not so, dear reader. Here is what actually happened: Black nicked a pawn with their queen. 🥷 Black got their queen forked. 💥 This was a casual blitz game, three minutes a side, rated somewhere around 1400, mayhap, which is precisely where the comedy lives. We had a perfectly respectable Italian going, and then on move 7 I played 7.Kh2 and absent-mindedly forgot that my e4 pawn was hanging. Black took it in one second with their queen. You can see the timestamp in the game below. So Black simply grabbed it like a gull snatching a chip off a seafront bench. My reaction was — Hm. You menace! Right. Let's avenge that poor pawn. Right. So. The chasing scene. By move 14, Black's knight on c6 was bei...

Hi! 👋 Have you ever caught yourself staring at the rating change on Lichess after a hard meditation of chess puzzle ❓ Precisely, "hard meditation". Anyway on their mobile app, that little number animation as our rating climbs from, say, 300 to 313 — or plummets from 308 to 299 — carries a strange sort of magic. For you who didn't get my prior jest. On Lichess, the starting rating is 1500. 1500! To hit either 300 or 308, we have to go on a legendary, historic, multi-day losing streak like an ultra plonker. That is a disciplined, methodical, unyielding commitment to the wrong move. In order to consistently, impeccably, and flawlessly play the absolute worst move every single time, we have to calculate the winning move first just to make sure we don't ACCIDENTALLY play it. It takes a true, visionary ultra plonker to systematically engineer the absolute worst outcome conceivable. I hope that elaboration delivers its intent...

Good afternoon! There is no opening position for this chess-tagged post, unfortunately. Right. My eyes and brain are seldom hilarious. This was my MISREADING on Lichess. Back then, it was simply "White / Black is victorious", no specific reason for the losing side. Or there was the reason, but the wording was different. 🤔 So they've updated that. As such: It is indeed grand, the update. But my brain! Though I consciously KNEW it was "…ran out of time", my brain kept on spouting — Hm, ran out of timeout. Mate, what?! It rhymes. Ran out of timeout. Right. But it did not read that! Read again, then. (Read again. 👀 TWICE.) You goblin! HABA-HABA-HABA. It rhymes, mate. 🤔 Hm. Ran out of timeout. Sir English should barge in and protest. Because "timeout" is… countable. Oh, let's ignore Sir English momentarily and imagine how "ran out of timeout" would play. (Playing online ch...