Handketchup

I was watching a gameplay of METAL GEAR SOLID Δ: SNAKE EATER on YouTube by MKIceAndFire.

I "read" that, handketchup, in the inventory.

I thought, oh, that's probably just a condiment for his ration. What I'm saying is, there's "snake eater" bit in it — ketchup for eating a roasted snake, juicy rat, tingly spider, Russian false mango, and goblin perhaps? 🤔 Hm, all right. It would mask the uncharted taste. Never mind the possibility of poison — looks edible, ketchup.

Russian false mango is fictional. It's like Saharan false snow.

But, handketchup? Is it like hand grenade? One word? Really? So, squirt squirt to the face?

Oi you! You enemy, aye? (Squirts ketchup from the handketchup to the face. The opposite side's face. Not his own face. 🤦)

...opposite side's... 🤔 It's possessive, but it's abstract. It's got that unhingedness to it. Who refers to a person or group as "the opposite side" in casual speech, unless we're in court or at a chessboard? I do. 🤦

Oi, you food? (No response.) What are you? (No response.) Here's what you are. (Proceeds to squirt ketchup. To the face.)

Result: plenty. But unlike anything we would usually find in this type of game.

Indeed, we don't squirt a hand grenade. To the face.

Thus I rewound the video and reread it. OH! Oh! HANDKERCHIEF. Well I never! That made a bit more sense than handketchup. You see, handkerchief and handketchup, they're... rather similar, aren't they? There's the "ch" after "handke", but not the other letters.

And when we think about it, they're all in his "backpack". What type of backpack is that? Is that Mary Poppins bottomless satchel of doom?

In real life, well, just think about it.

We carry many firearms, rifles, WITH hundreds of ammunitions, plus bandages, syringes, food, game (flesh of mammals, birds, or sandals, used as food), grenades, communication radio, night vision goggles, motion detector, other contraptions — in that bag? Really? And sprinting, climbing, crawling, hand-to-hand combat.

Who does that?

If he brought a trolley, that would be sensical. A cart would be more suitable. The character probably carries more than 50 kg of clunking gizmos, and still is agile and stealthy. In reality, the bloke would probably out of breath after 100-metre jog, then get crushed by his own backpack. And don't forget the rattling with every step from the sheer amount of metal in his kit.

Aside from its illogicality — which, in itself, is a form of entertainment — the game has a captivating story. That's why I kept on watching it until the end, 1-2 hours a day.

And another thing, Snake (the main character) sounds the way a radio broadcaster or a trailer announcer would. That is proper. The forests (taiga and such), steppes, and the mountains always welcome good enunciation.

Imagine if he were slurring all the way... Like Rambo? But way more intense.

I don't talk, I do things.

But sir, how would you confirm your understanding of the mission?

I don't. (Salivating. 🤷)

Which probably would sound, "Ay dod".

I smash, ratata, done = Ay smush, brgagagam, boom.

Ay smush, brgagagam, boom.

The nature perhaps would reject him.

🌳🦌🌲 Oi, this bloke, let's wrap him in deer dungs. I mean, dung. We don't want to bother our accountant friends.

🦌🦌 (Deers... 💩💩💩💩)

(Accountant friends barge in. Chanting unintelligible spreadsheet cells.)

🥸🥸🥸🥸 (Unison.) Plural of deer is deer.

(Slurring Snake is covered in deer dung. Smeared in woodland disgrace.)

Ay surpraise, I do mishon, y yoo deid eat? Ay smush, brgagagam, boom. 🚀💥

(Crater, a part of a forest five minutes ago. 🤦)

(Pushing his glorious trolley of weaponries. The wheels squeak between explosions. Every step is a symphony of mayhem and burnt squirrel hair.)

Mate, why is the plural of deer deer? It's unlike water or dung. We can bloody count the deer. One deer, two deers. What? They keep on merging?

🥸🥸🥸🥸 (Unison.) YES.

Is English giving me the middle antler?

🥸🥸🥸🥸 (Acapella.) A-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y.

---

Colonel Volgin

The bloke is a broken living capacitor, with the sparks and duct-taped skin. Which undoubtedly, consumes steroids as if it were tea. And he bloody transforms his clothes! What? From a military uniform to red tights? Oh, BY JOVE. I did laugh so much at that moment when he transformed himself.

So, high voltage ➡️ fire ➡️ wardrobe change plus ammunition belt. Did he burn the military uniform? Won't bullets explode by that sort of heat? He took all the gunpowder from each chamber? So all this time he wore multi-layered clothings? Or was it his actual skin, as in, naked? 🤨 Thus the ammos there are... symmetrical hardened boils? 🫠

• 10 million volts ➡️ no information about the current. 0, presumably. ➡️ No heat.
• Looking at the blaze, perhaps it was around ~1,000°C. Thus, from that, we can incompetently deduce, using P = V ⋅ I, then Q = I² ⋅ R ⋅ t, then Q = m ⋅ c ⋅ ΔT ➡️ Let's use c = 500 J/kg·K, just to simplify it. And we assume he had 1 ohm for the resistance 😂, and let's say it was to heat 1 kg part of him. ➡️ To reach ~1000°C in 1 second with 10 million volts, Volgin would need around 707 amps of current. 🤔 Meaning, 7 gigawatts of power. Beyond a power station with nuclear reactor. He's almost in the same field with Three Gorges Dam in China, a continental-level outlier — just to throw a hissy fit per second.

• Incomplete specification. ⚠️ Too many assumptions.

  Similar to, I have 2 trillion. Of what?

  Hence his duct-taped skin and wild sparks as if he were a walking-talking trashed neon box. He's a continent-scaled power outage risk. Missing nameplate rating label.

  A regulatory audit from the Ministry of Electrical Pandemonium.

And that Hollywood trope, "villain explaining things to protagonist". He could just pull down his trousers and show his whatever-dangling or in pairs to the main character with "nye nye nye" for half an hour. Now that, is a proper irresponsible menace. No obligation to elaborate anything. Oh wait, when he was "naked", there was no pair-of-things dangling around, thus he substituted it with history class. 🤦

It was actually to accentuate him as a warlord — that typical telly hero transformation. But to me, that trope is like a toddler throwing tantrums by taking off everything and flailing about. No bear no bear, the child shouted — which means, "not fair, not fair."

After he was defeated in a close-range combat and got shot multiple times from point blank 🤣🤷 — as being nude didn't help — Volgin once more arose, maybe a bit aroused, then drove a gigantic tank which looked so clumsy and slow, still in the "nude" with foaming mouth.

The Volgin lactated battery acid. Oh, wow.

If Volgin were an energy drink, it would go: Volgin Bolt — Foams like vengeance. ⚡

Snake and Tatyana saw the awkward bawbag of a meatball then decided to ride the motorcycle. Both could outrun the plonker in a jiffy. Yet, Volgin said, "There is no escape!" Yes, there are. Plenty.

Snake and Tatyana saw the awkward bawbag of a meatball... ⬅️ This, without the context, sounds utterly demented. In tune with, Cow and Bob... Well? Which cow?

Anyway, the oversized dung-beetle tank screamed. That's rather a peculiar wildlife Klaxon.

David Attenborough would say...

Here we see the rare Volginus Baldus, thrashing in frustration as its mating call fails to impress the female on the motorcycle.

Narrating from a foliage.

And Volgin bladdy boom-boomed his own men and infrastructure. No bear no bear! Mate, he needed tea.

The Vengaboys said, Boom, boom, boom, boom!! I want you in my room. Let's spend the night together. For now until forever. ⬅️ You see that? "Forever"? As in, it includes bladdy explosives. We can't miss the small print in the invitation although the host does aerobic like a moon-walking rabbit wearing tortillas — since anaerobic would be an impossibility. Have you tried to exercise in vacuum? It's impossible.

Vengaboys is a Dutch Eurodance music group based in their base, not other's. It's a doctrine. A territorial claim. Like NATO, but with glitter and basslines. They're not just based — they're in their base. Fortified. With confetti cannons.

---

Tatyana — EVA

Tatyana, she rode a motorcycle — a biker, she claimed. But then, she unzipped her jacket and revealed her bra when she rode the bike — quite often. FULL THROTTLE from the beginning. Started the motorcycle, yanked the throttle as if it owes her money, VROOOM, as though she were a nervy squirrel. 🐿️🛵

🤷

She wasn't in a race, prior the "There is no escape" chase. She was riding alone, but as a caffeinated muppet without an audience.

(Let's breathe.) Oi, a muppet wobblin' left an' right a mile a minute — on a bleedin' motorbike?!

She was supposed to be a KGB agent façading as someone else, reported to a completely different government... What kind of insanity is that? Ever heard of wind and bricks, dear Tatyana Kojima Special? Nobody, especially a biker, would be so reckless about the wind. It won't bow down to a cleavage. But hey, bras. 😶

And "The Boss" team was called The Cobras.

This is akin to that daft James Bond. He didn't even know the meaning of "secret". "Bond, James Bond." — he might as well go, "High, mushroom, nibble, tiger, cat, faeces, vodka, briefs, moon, uranus", then fainted. "Bond, James Bond" prances around resembling a centipede dragging a bright pink thong.

A snapshot. Even Snake tried to be unbothered and yet, bothered. His depth perception was off, hence that quizzical look.

Imagine if Snake let his zipper down and showed his lacey tactical pantaloons all the time. 🤔

She is actually EVA, a highly trained spy and double agent sent by China to steal The Philosopher's Legacy pretending to be a KGB agent sent by Khrushchev to assist Snake working as a scientist's assistant. Oh, we need biscuits.

---

The Boss

The Boss did have a child, ...

Wait, why do we even start from that? 🤔

Because we can.

The Boss did have a child, during wartime no less — and the Philosophers (that murky cabal of international puppetmasters) took the baby away right after birth. The scar running from her chest to her abdomen is indeed meant to be from a field caesarean section — done during a mission. 🤷

How in the name of a defecating baboon could she go or even be allowed in a mission while being pregnant? Combat and pregnant aren't really... soulmates.

Metal Gear lore doesn't give two shites about basic biology, common sense, or military procedure. No bear no bear!

Oh, how her prior story was about space-exploration-technology race and such. 🤦 Classic layered-sophism. Namely, the unexamined belief in space travel as a legitimate backdrop.

Then that microchip/microfilm trope. Specifically side-eyeing Hollywood — as it is being used in the lore. If it were I, I'd say,

Go ahead, take it. Here's two quid, for bus, enough for an entire week. You come back here often, you hear? Because you still need this bulky three tons of an entire compiler farm to decipher one letter. For four minutes. It has 500,000 characters. At least. Can’t run the bloody thing without 6 devs, 7 cryptographers, and 8 blokes all named Nigel who one of them knows why it only compiles on Thursdays.

Hollywood. It's like abducting Google or smuggling OpenAI. Including the staffs.

Her child is that muppetlord, the smug cowboy with a fetish for revolvers — Ocelot. Isn't ocelot a feline? One ocelot probably might say, I'm not a muppetlord.

That reads like a courtroom testimony.

Prosecutor: Are you or are you not a muppetlord?

A spoke-ocelot-person: I'm not a muppetlord.

And more of that Kojima Special.

Everyone called her "The Boss", with the "The". Oi, The Boss! Or, The Boss, did you take my socks?

Hm. The.

Here comes the wally. 👀 Hey, the wally. The wally, did you take my socks?

⬆️ It sounds... different. As if it were grand... Oh!

Explained.

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Metal Gear Solid

If we stopped for a moment to process the stacked nouns... 🤔

Metal. Gear. Solid.

Solid Snake. Solid. Snake. 🤔

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I am Captain Pollution! Go Pollution!