I was watching a gameplay of METAL GEAR SOLID Î: SNAKE EATER on YouTube by MKIceAndFire.
I "read" that, handketchup, in the inventory.
I thought to myself —
Oh, that's probably just a condiment for his ration.
What I'm saying is, there's that "snake eater" bit in it, right? Ketchup for eating a roasted snake, juicy rat, or tingly spider perhaps.
So I thought again —
Hm, all right. It would mask the uncharted taste. Never mind the possibility of poison — looks edible, ketchup!
ðĪ
But hang on, handketchup? Is it like a hand grenade? One word?
So I rewound the video and REREAD it.
ð
Oh!
Well I never!
You see, handkerchief and handketchup, they're... rather similar, aren't they? There's the "ch" after "handke", but not the other letters.
And when I think about it, twice, they're all in his backpack.
What sort of backpack is that? Mary Poppins bottomless satchel of doom?
In real life — well — just think about it.
We carry many firearms, rifles, WITH hundreds of ammunitions, plus bandages, syringes, food, game (flesh of mammals, birds, or sandals, used as food), grenades, communication radio, night vision goggles, motion detector, other contraptions — in that bag? Really? And sprinting, climbing, crawling, hand-to-hand combat.
Every FPS, RPG, and so forth: WE DO!
If he brought a trolley, that would be sensical.
This ð
A cart would be more suitable.
The character probably carries more than 50 kg of clunking gizmos, and still is agile and stealthy. You saw "XM16E1" and "AK-47" in that inventory snapshot above, right? But we didn't see, at least, one barrel sticking out from his backpack. Mary Poppins should be proud.
In reality, he would probably out of breath after 100-metre jog, then get crushed by his own backpack. And don't forget the rattling with every step from the sheer amount of metal in his kit.
Not to mention how FAST he could grab anything from his backpack. Even when we carry just a box of tissue in our backpack, we won't get it that quick. Take off the backpack, place it in front of us, open it, rummage through — Where is it? Aha! — grab the tissue box, close the backpack, put it back on. Completion will take about 10 seconds, possibly more. Snake could grab anything in under 1 second from his backpack. Switch, switch, switch.
Mary Poppins: Oh, pish posh. ð
And those firearms, rifles, bullets, grenades, they worked perfectly. Dipped in water, through the fire — no malfunction, no jam, none.
Every FPS, RPG, and so forth: That would take massive amount of variables and more complex algorithm to consider all! The GPU would collapse!
ð ðĪ I don't... think so. Technically speaking, simulating a weapon jam is roughly as such:
So it's not collapsing GPU, but rather, collapsing sales. Right. Anyway.
Aside from its illogicality — which, in itself, is a form of entertainment — the game had a captivating story. That's why I kept on watching it until the end, 1-2 hours a day.
And another thing, Snake sounded the way a radio broadcaster or a trailer announcer would.
Colonel Volgin
Full name: Yevgeny Borisovitch Volgin.
He's the main antagonist in this game. Not an extra.
His full name sounds menacing. He could just utter it to get freebies from KFC.
He doesn't lust after fried chicken, but —
Welcome to KFC, may I take your order?
I AM.
YEVGENY.
BORISOVITCH.
VOLGIN. ⚡ð
(The cashier hands over three family buckets, twelve hot wings, the entire contents of the till, and his trousers.)
Take it! Take the trousers, Mister Boarist! Just don't detonate... me!
BOAR? IST?
Anyway.
The bloke is a broken living capacitor, with the sparks and duct-taped skin. Which undoubtedly, consumes steroids as if it were tea.
And he bloody transforms his clothes!
From a military uniform to red tights?
So, HIGH voltage ➡️ FIRE ðĨ ➡️ wardrobe change with an ammunition belt. ❓ð
Did he burn the military uniform? Wouldn't bullets explode by that sort of heat? USUALLY?
Thermodynamics waddles away — I'm not needed. Oh, well. Ta.
Right.
Let's dissect his massive electrical balderdash.
-
The lore says his body carries an electric charge of $10 \text" million volts"$. But there's no information about the current. Suppose $0$, thus no power, no heat.
-
Looking at the blaze in the game — the wardrobe transformation bit — perhaps it was around $~1,000°C$. Very hazardous, but Volgin did not melt himself.
Well, it would be hysterical, innit? I mean, if he melted himself.
Volgin : JEEARRGGH! ⚡ðĨðĨ (✨ Melted plastic on the floor.) Snake : ❓ Mister Volgin? ð Is that you? Volgin : Who else? Well.
Anyhow, from the assumed one thousand degrees celcius, we can incompetently deduce — employing more assumptions — using:
- $P = V ⋅ I$,
- $Q = I² ⋅ R ⋅ t$,
- $Q = m ⋅ c ⋅ ÎT$
Assume his heat capacity $c = 500 J/{kg·°C}$ — to simplify it. Because he's Volgin. So he gets hot FASTER when heat is applied on him. He's a living iron posing as a... not iron. Plus the mood swings. I mean, much higher temperature change compared to a high-capacity material like water.
Suppose he had $1 \text" ohm"$ of resistance. Because he's Volgin. He craves electrons. $1 \text" ÎĐ"$ it is.
And let's say it was to heat $1 \text" kg"$ part of him.
Right. Let's plug those.
$ÎT = 1,000°C$ (well, roughly)
$m = 1 \text" kg"$ (per kilogram of him)
$c = 500 J/{kg·°C}$ (living iron)
$R = 1 \text" ÎĐ"$ (uncountable aches for electrons ðŧ)
$V = 10,000,000 \text" V"$ (the definition from the lore)
$t = 1 \text" s"$ (per second)
First, calculate the $Q$ using heat transfer equation.
$Q = m ⋅ c ⋅ ÎT$
$Q = 1 ⋅ 500 ⋅ 1,000$
$Q = 500,000 \text" J"$
Whopping five hundred thousand joules.
Second, find the current $I$.
$Q = I² ⋅ R ⋅ t$
$I = √{Q / {R ⋅ t}}$
$I = √{{500,000} / {1 ⋅ 1}}$
$I = √{500,000}$
$I = 707.1067811865476 \text" A"$
There, we have the current.
So to reach $~1000°C$ in $1 \text" second"$ with $10 \text" million volts"$, Volgin would need about $707 \text" amperes of current"$.
ðĪ From? Assuming ZEUS were involved in all of this —
Zeus ⚡: Right lad, here, seven hundred amps. I'll put that on your tab. 25% interest per day.
Anyway, meaning, using electrical power formula, $P = V ⋅ I$, he would need around $7 \text" gigawatts of power"$.
Ten million multiplied by seven hundred is seven billion.
$7,000,000,000$ = $7 ⋅ 10^9 = 7 {\text" GW"}$.
BEYOND a power station with nuclear reactor. He's almost in the same field with Three Gorges Dam in China, a continental-level outlier — just to throw a hissy fit per second. Per kilogram of him. PER KILOGRAM. Bloke probably weighs... beyond 1 kilogram. So that he could, somehow, wear —
red tights. ð
-
That maths doodling above has plenty of assumptions. Because of his INCOMPLETE specification.
You might think —
Hang on a sec... If we've already got the voltage rating, doesn't that mean we've automatically got the current sorted as well?
Well, no. Not if it isn't stated on the nameplate.
It is similar to —
I have 2 trillion!
Of what?
ðĪ That's like buying a desk fan that was assembled by a rogue artisan in a canal barge behind Birmingham, flipping the base over to check the electrical specs, and all it says on the silver sticker is:
MODEL DESK_WIND_9000_BIRMNGHM_CIY_FORVR VOLTS About some hundred AMPS Mind your own business WATTS Inshallah Very qualitative.
Or another analogy, a price tag on a T-shirt that reads —
50
Fifty what?
Let's continue.
That Hollywood template being used in the game —
Why? Is it for the audience? Obviously.
But Volgin could simply pull down his trousers and show his whatever-dangling or in pairs to Snake with the "nye nye nye" for half an hour. Now that is a proper irresponsible menace. No obligation to elaborate anything.
"Nye Nye Nye" in G major, could be a proper symphony.
Oh, hang on.
When he was "naked" (red tights mode), there was NO pair-of-things dangling around. Thus he substituted it with a HISTORY class. — Oh, let me explain this and that. Take that, your ears, eyes, attention, and overall brain. I'm winning! — Volgin perhaps... thought.
It was actually to accentuate him as a warlord... or a history professor... or a melon.
ðĪ
When I look again at that "rage mode" — that maths doodle, that part when he transformed into... something else — it is rather similar to a toddler throwing tantrums by taking off everything, flailing about, shouting —
Which means — Not fair, not fair! — Rage mode is activated.
Right.
Resuming.
After he was defeated in a close-range combat and got shot multiple times from point blank — as being nude didn't help — Volgin once more arose, possibly a bit aroused, then drove a gigantic tank which looked so clumsy and slow, still au naturel, foaming at the mouth.
Snake and Tatyana saw Volgin, then decided to ride the motorcycle. Both could outrun the plonker in a jiffy, yet, Volgin said —
There is no escape!
Yes, there are. PLENTY.
Anyway, the oversized dung-beetle tank screamed. That was rather a peculiar wildlife Klaxon.
Yes, certain species of dung beetles do produce sound when threatened. Volgin's tank is one of the unlisted species.
So.
Then Volgin boom-boomed his own men and infrastructure.
That was absolute composure, flipped 180 degrees.
Tatyana — EVA
Tatyana, she rode a motorcycle — a biker, she claimed. But then, she unzipped her jacket and revealed her bra when she rode the bike — quite often. FULL THROTTLE from the beginning. Started the motorcycle, yanked the throttle as if it owes her money, VROOOM, as though she were a nervy squirrel.
She wasn't in a race, before the "there is no escape" chase. She was riding alone, but as a caffeinated muppet without an audience. — Onwards, bosom!
Ever heard of wind and bricks, dear Tatyana Kojima Special? Nobody —
— would be so reckless about the wind. It won't bow down before a cleavage. But hey, bras.
And "The Boss"'s team was called the Cobras.
Right.
A snapshot. Even Snake tried to be unbothered and yet, bothered. His depth perception was off, hence that quizzical look.
She was actually EVA, a highly trained spy and double agent sent by China to steal the Philosophers' Legacy pretending to be a KGB agent sent by Khrushchev to assist Snake working as a scientist's assistant.
Oh, we need biscuits.
Well, at least she received three different currencies for her payslips:
- Soviet roubles.
- US greenbacks.
- Renminbi.
And possibly some gold bars from Volgin every time she did a standing ovation to him — for his jokes.
Joke such as —
Stayed opened. HAHAHA! ⚡
Sir English collapses on the rug. ðŦðĩ
EVA: Brilliant, Colonel! Truly, the auxiliary verb had it coming! (Standing. ððð)
Gold bars pouring from the heavens.
Crashing through the ceiling tiles like hail, denting the floorboards around poor Sir English's unconscious head.
The Boss
The Boss did have a child, ...
Wait, why do we even start from that? ðĪ
Because we can.
The Boss did have a child, during wartime no less — and the Philosophers (that murky cabal of international puppetmasters) took the baby away right after birth. The scar running from her chest to her abdomen is indeed meant to be from a field caesarean section — done during a mission.
How in the name of a defecating baboon could she go or even be allowed on a mission while being pregnant? Combat and pregnancy aren't really... soulmates.
Anyhow, her child is that muppetlord, the smug cowboy with a fetish for revolvers — Ocelot. Isn't ocelot a feline? One ocelot probably defends itself — I'm not a muppetlord.
That reads like a courtroom testimony.
Prosecutor: Are you or are you not a muppetlord?
A spoke-ocelot-person: I'm not a muppetlord.
Right.
Now.
The scar.
Everyone called her "The Boss", with the "The".
Excuse me, The Boss!
Or —
The Boss, did you take my socks?
"The".
We dare not lowercase that "T". Capital "T" is a must unless we fancy having our arm think it's a leg.
Metal Gear Solid
If we stopped for a moment to process the stacked nouns... ðĪ
Metal. Gear. Solid.
Solid Snake. Solid. Snake. ðĪ