Hi! 👋
The title sounds like a charming children's picture book. Little David on the cover, little telescope, sheep in the background, lovely pastoral scene. As such:
Well, that's a bazooka perhaps.
And one sheep has five legs. Sheep can have all the legs they can have. Another sheep is very small with three legs. They can also have their own flairs. — I'm me. What are you going to do about it? — The last sheep is as if it's planted, like a plant, sheep plant. "Lovely pastoral scene", where? The image itself is around three point six metres away from "charming".
But actually, this will be about David and Bathsheba.
Right
Let's consult the NIV (New International Version).
It's taken from 2 Samuel 11:2. ⬇️
⬆️ Right. Let's stop there. We have two things from that excerpt:
- One evening.
- From the roof.
Well, three:
- David woke up, walked around.
Fine, four:
- David spotted a very beautiful bathing woman.
Let's examine the first two.
Evening and Roof
The palace sat elevated at the summit of the City of David, looking down over the residential area below — a compact settlement of roughly twelve acres housing around five hundred people. So Bathsheba wasn't across a vast wilderness. She was down the hill. Neighbourly distance, really.
In daylight, fine. Plausible. Perhaps even accidental.
But the text says evening.
Dusk at best. Pitch black at worst.
And from this — from a palace roof, in the dark, looking downhill — David filed a confident report:
very beautiful.
Very beautiful. Definitive. Peer reviewed.
David, mate. Explain the optics. YES, OPTICS.
You could have spotted a raccoon down there.
And yet — messengers dispatched. Kingdom mobilised. The rest is catastrophic history.
Possibilities
We have two possibilities:
- David had already had the night-vision telescope technology.
- David simply had the superhuman eyesight.
Knowing David, option number two is quite fitting. Equipped with more... things. The intense vision specifically. Naturally.
Well not knowing him personally, I mean from the stories.
Piercing Gaze
Right. Option number two.
The Goliath incident for example. That sling shot was SUSPICIOUSLY precise for a teenage shepherd boy. A SINGLE STONE! Straight to the forehead. From a DISTANCE. While Goliath was presumably moving and armoured and enormous.
1 Samuel 17:48-49. ⬇️
48 As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. 49 Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.
⬆️ The first "him" refers to David — from "As the Philistine moved closer to attack him..."
The second "him" and "the Philistine" refer to Goliath.
Second "him" — from the fragment "...toward the battle line to meet him."
"The Philistine" — from "...struck the Philistine on the forehead."
It's not Gerald. Because there was no Gerald back in those days, in that region, that particular community, that story. Gerald the Philistine. That sounds... different. "David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet Gerald."
"Moved closer". In ancient battle formation — this context, it would be somewhere around 30 to 50 yards, 30 to 50 metres roughly. Have you used a sling and a stone to hit a target? Perhaps, maybe. But how about THAT distance? AND it was in a chaotic situation. A FIELD BATTLE. PLUS! David was running toward Goliath too, still not Gerald. Both parties were moving in that story.
The shepherd years were just training. Casually picking off predators at 400 yards with a pebble. Other shepherd boys idle about, picking their nose, watching clouds. David's out there —
thwack!! 🦅
thwack!! 🐺
thwack!! 🐻
thwack!! 🦁
Mm. Yes. Very beautiful.
I mean then he CHASED and PUNCHED a lion and a bear to oblivion, did he not?
1 Samuel 17:34-37. ⬇️
34 But David said to Saul, “Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, 35 I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. 36 Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. 37 The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.”
⬆️ The lad was exceptional. Omni-range predator combatant.
Reenactments
So, let's do two versions of the "reenactment".
🎬 Version Number One
This bit below is not recorded anywhere. It is the other way around instead of volunteering. So in this, David is a popular "long-slingshot boy" but Saul has never met him in person. —
Oi, where's that long-slingshot boy?!
A soldier: 📢📢 David! DAVIIID! DAAAAVVV...
David: (Covers his ears.) 📢 STOOOP ITTT!
David: I'm right here!
A soldier: Oh. Ahem.
(David runs to Saul.)
(Saul glances at David.) 👀
By thunder, your FACE! Why is it so... handsome? 🤔🫦
AND SKIN!! You're not from around here, are you?
David: Sir, is this a job interview now?
My bad. One question, why are your eyes as follows? (Warding off the glare.)
David: 🤔 (Inside his mind. 🧠) A formal enumeration, that.
David: My eyes are as follows: left and right.
David: (Points left and right eyes.)
David: Respectively.
(Shakes his head.) Right. Sorry. But please stop staring that much. It's dazzling.
David: (Turns his gaze to the ground.)
Thanks. (Lowers his hand.)
David: (Turns his face to a table.) You're welcome.
I want you to get that MASSIVE melon!
David: (Looks at the beard of a guard.) WE HAVE MELON? Massive? Where?
GOLIATH!
David: (Turns to a pot.) Oh! The cock-a-doodle-doo melon. Mm. Yes.
WHAT?
David: 🤔 (Inside his mind. 🧠) An expression of confusion, that.
David: (Looks at a pebble on the ground.) Sir, a rooster crows. It produces sort of "cock-a-doodle-doo" sound.
David: Goliath is like a giant rogue rooster. (Does air drawing.) But then you called him "melon". Therefore, I simply combined A and B. A is mine. Cock-a-doodle-doo. (Shows his right palm.) B is yours. Melon. (Shows left palm.)
David: Nolem ood-eldood-a-kcoc.
David: From right to left. Respectively.
👀 Right. I absolutely understand that. I have no further questions. I am very enlightened at the moment. I am very. Educated. By that thesis. Of yours.
Now then.
Get on with it, boy! ✊
David: (Turns around facing the direction of Goliath.)
David: Naturally. 😎
That's the first version. Moving on to second version. ⬇️
🎬 Version Number Two
(Goliath's shouting his head off like a drunken bloke at last call for 40 days.)
(David, with ears like a bat, catches every word from afar.)
Who does this guy think he is?
(David can't take it anymore — off he trots to the battlefield, sling in hand. Leaves the flock to an unknown shepherd, possibly Bob.)
(Goliath seems nearer. Starts to dash. Dashes. Past King Saul.)
Hi, sir. 👋
Saul: 👀 Oi oi stop, lad! Cease running! HALT! Terminate the leg activity! STOP!
(Stops.) Yes? (Turns around.)
(David's eyes emit light. Two thousand lumens approximately.)
Saul: BY THUNDER!
(Saul and the soldiers cover their faces.)
Sorry. (Dims the light.)
A soldier: I'm blind!
Saul: No, you're not. Open your eyes.
A soldier: Oh! Thank you, Your Highness.
(Saul shakes his head.)
Saul: You're welcome.
Saul: LAD! Where do you think you're off to, then?
(Pointing Goliath. Reaches his bag. Takes a leaf out. Munches the leaf.)
I, hereby, volunteer...ing myself... (Chomps.) To erase that goblin from existence.
(Re-pointing Goliath.) That goblin. (Chews.) This tastes bitter! Oh, well. (Swallows the leaf.) Ah. Exquisite.
Saul: 👀 Are you MAD?
Which one? Mad furious or mad insane or Mad name? I'm David by the way.
Saul: I can't even fathom what's happening right now. (Points at Goliath multiple times.) ARE. YOU. MAD?
Well you see sir, I've erased plenty of... goblins from existence. Very erased. Mm. Yes.
Saul: What "mm yes"? I CERTAINLY DON'T SEE IT.
Well sir, I've erased them from existence, hence you do not see them. Now. Very logical. Mm. Yes.
Saul: Hm. Mm. Yes. 🤔 (Silent. Thinking.) Can anyone back up his story, then?!
A soldier: ...Errm... I saw... no...
Saul: You saw what? What did you see?
A soldier: I'm not sure, Your Highness.
Saul: You saw goblins being erased by him?
A soldier: Mmm... err... his eyes shone... he ate a suspicious-looking leaf. No goblin... deletion, Your Highness.
Saul: Lad, you're still young. Plenty ahead of you. Your eyes. We can make a thriving business from those!
But that goblin! I cannot sleep. He's like a massive rooster doing inferior improv EVERY day. Always with the "WHO WILL FIGHT ME cock-a-doodle-doo" bit. And an out-of-tune cock-a-doodle-doo. ⬇️
What sort of business?
Saul: 🤔 Indeed, he is. Never mind. Right then, get on with it, lad!! ✊
Naturally. 😎
And that concludes the second version.
Superhuman
David wasn't lucky. David had ABILITIES. David was running around Bethlehem with superhuman targeting vision this whole time and nobody NOTED IT DOWN.
The man had gifts. Extraordinary, God-given, long-range precision gifts.
The consistency. The lore. It all tracks.
He just also used them in the evening. From a roof.
Oh hello, very beautiful.
And that was merely the eyesight.
The man was an adaptive skirmisher. Precision at distance. Effective at close quarters.
Auditory gifts presumably.
Dashing. Radiant. Saul confirmed the last two. Professionally.
A musician, a poet, a king. An absolute all-rounder of biblical proportions.
And not just a casual musician. 1 Samuel 16:23. ⬇️
Whenever the spirit from God came on Saul, David would take up his lyre and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him.
⬆️ So the evil spirit was sent from God? Was Saul sort of a specimen for entertainment?
Flow:
"God" in this context is YHWH. YHWH essentially the most HANDS-ON deity in the ancient world. Fully involved. Thus, well...
And nobody wrote down what David played. 🤔
Perhaps David smacked Saul playfully with his lyre. It's still considered "take up his lyre and play". We can't write the notation for that. So yes, nobody DARED to write down what he played.
(Saul is zapped from beyond. ⚡)
Saul: JEEAAARGH OOGAA BOOGAA BWAARRGHH!! (Smashing pots and such. 🪴 Nibbling his own sash. Clings to the wall like a proper gecko.)
A real-time scribe: Whenever the spirit from God came on Saul,
David: 🤔 (Takes up his lyre.)
A real-time scribe: David would take up his lyre...
David: (Raises the lyre overhead.) Lyre to the forehead. 💥 Lyre to the chin. 💥 Again! 🎵 Refrain! Obtaaaaain! Domain!
Saul: 😵💫 (Horizontal.)
A real-time scribe: 👀😱 ...and play.
Saul: (Wakes up after 10 minutes. Looks at David.) Hi, David. Refreshing nap, that was!
David: Hi, sir. 👋
A real-time scribe: Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him.
David: Mm. Yes. Very diplomatic writing. (Strums the lyre.)
⬆️ This is the origin of IT support catchphrase:
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
And "obtain domain", as Saul was possessed ⬇️
RETURN TO YOUR DOMAIN SAUL!! RECLAIM YOUR DOMAIN!! The kingdom!! The palace!! The stone walls!! The sash!! All of it — YOUR DOMAIN!! OBTAIN IT BACK!!
⬆️ And it must be combined with the therapeutic lyre-massage technique. Well, it was there, right? The lyre? David couldn't just pick a baseball bat. It wasn't there. It wasn't there, believe me. David's not an assailant but a practitioner of mental & emotional wellness. Deep tissue.
And the Psalms — mate — the emotional RANGE!!
Also rooftop surveillance operative.
⬆️ David sitting down writing Psalm 51.
Telescope
Let's wander a bit with the telescope. Suppose he had it instead of those talents. Option number one.
Baby David in the fields with a tiny night-vision telescope. His mum packed it with his lunch. —
Don't forget your sling, your bread, and your telescope, love.
And young David skipping off into the fields with his telescope under his arm like it's completely normal.
Other shepherd boys with their staffs and their dogs and David —
(David gambols merrily on the field.)
(Whilst the flock just... stands there, professionally. More composed than their own shepherd.)
La la-la la-la. Hm. (Scanning the horizon with his little telescope.)
David, what's that?
A telescope.
Ah. (Resumes herding.)
Imagine if Bathsheba WERE across a vast wilderness, taking a bath somewhere hidden, deep in... somewhere. That TELESCOPE would just make sense. Well, we don't bathe in an open space IN THE EVENING, usually.
Oh hang on, the evening part, roughly 6pm to 9pm is considered "evening". Need light — from a torch perhaps. Evening. Usually dark. Usually. Need light. So still, an obfuscated place, somewhere far away and hidden from David's rooftop. That's just a common sense.
Because everyone knows David's roof is RIGHT THERE. —
A: Mate, whose roof is that?
Bob: King David's.
A: Blimey!
B: Mate, whose roof is that?
Bob: King David's.
B: Well I never!
C, D, E, F, etc.: Mate...
Bob: King David's. All right everyone, THAT is KING DAVID's ROOF. No further questions.
🤔 "Obfuscated place", as if the place were some dodgy ECMAScript.
Obfuscate (verb)
To make something less clear and harder to understand, especially intentionally.
⬆️ "...to understand". It belongs entirely in the realm of language and information — not geographical location.
⬆️ "Intentionally", as though Bathsheba out there in the evening CONSTRUCTING A TACTICAL CONCEALMENT OPERATION. Branches arranged at precise angles. Shrubberies dragged into formation. A whole elaborate anti-surveillance bathing system.
Bathsheba after all the preparation — Hm. Need more twigs. Can a place be harder to understand?
Like this:
(There's an obfuscated Tesco building for this particular reason.)
A: Mate, where's Tesco?
B: There. 🫵
(The building is minified, mangled. The Tesco sign reads t3$c0_#@!. The doors are where the ceiling was. The trolleys are nested inside the walls. The car park is now a single compressed variable.)
A: (Squints.) Mm. Yes. Very unclear. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Thank you.
Obscured. Obscured place.
Obfuscate = internal reorganisation.
Obscure = external layering.
So if Bathsheba did obfuscate her bathing location, meaning she were restructuring the fabric of the location itself. Intentionally. Not merely more twigs.
⬆️ You know, it's hypothetical. So, "she were" instead of "she was". — Why? — Well, English, mate.
Mm. Yes. Very informative.
Anyway, Bathsheba didn't intend to... "put on a show" in the first place. She had a husband, URIAH. Simply taking a regular bath. Gerald said so. — Hi, I'm Gerald.
So David and his telescope, identify the exact position of Bathsheba —
Very beautiful. Distance, two thousand and fifty point three... length... units. Mm. Yes.
Bob, get her.
Get who, sire?
That woman over there. In this direction of my index finger is pointing.
Where, sire?
(Grabs Bob's collar.) Look at my index finger. Look at the tip. That direction.
(Looking at somewhere else.)
(David shakes his head.) THIS index finger. OI THIS HAND. (Waving his hand.) NOT the one holding the telescope. (Pointing.) That. There. In this direction of my index finger is pointing.
(Gazing at pitch black evening.) I cannot see anything, sire.
(Looks at David's telescope.) May I use that, sire?
Here. (Hands over the telescope.)
(Scans through the telescope.) I see... nothing, sire.
Get her nonetheless.
As you wish, sire.
(Back from mission. Brings a raccoon.)
Mm. Yes. Very beautiful.
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