Hi 👋
There is an unwritten law in the entertainment industry.
It states, simply —
the more emotionally devastating a song is, the more aggressively its music video must contradict it.
Nobody signed this law. Nobody enforced it. And yet, for roughly a decade, Hollywood obeyed it with the discipline of a Swiss watch. In pop.
This is the documented evidence.
EXHIBIT A
Don't Speak — No Doubt (1996)
What the song is about:
Gwen Stefani's seven-year relationship has ended. She would like you to stop talking, please.
| What the lyrics say | What is happening in the video |
|---|---|
| Don't speak, I know just what you're saying | Realm One: Gwen stands in a polka-dot tube dress in a... place. She is composed. This is misleading. |
| I know what you're thinking, I don't need your reasons | Still Realm One. Still the polka-dot dress. Still deceptively calm. |
| Don't tell me 'cause it hurts | Realm Two has arrived. The yellow tank top has appeared. The jumping has commenced. She is sweating and trying to repel some sort of spectre from the stage. |
| Our memories, they can be inviting | Tony Kanal — the subject of the song, the actual reason it exists — is on the couch, looking at his wristwatch, cheerfully playing bass in both realms. |
| Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak | She appears to be shouting. In two separate locations. |
Closing observation:
Tony Kanal attended his own emotional eulogy twice. Different venues. Same bass groove. No visible remorse.
Gwen apparently invented a method to look like screaming but... not. Perhaps Gwen said to herself — I have reviewed the ska-punk catalogue extensively and I shall be performing accordingly regardless of what the actual song requires. — The video editors nodded furiously in full celebration. The video editors could listen to her thoughts.
EXHIBIT B
MMMBop — Janson (1997)
I mean Hanson.
What the song is about:
Three children, aged between eleven and sixteen, wrote a philosophical meditation on the futility of life, the passage of time, and which relationships are worth keeping before everything is gone. It is, by any measure, rather bleak.
Bleak, as in cold, dreary, and lacking in comfort or hope. Not that part of a bird — the bil of a bird ⬅️ one L shifts from the meaning to the word itself. Not that.
| What the lyrics say | What is happening in the video |
|---|---|
| You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last | Three children with magnificent hair are bouncing around a suburban living room playing instruments with enormous joy. Mm. |
| In an MMMBop they're gone, in an MMMBop they're not there | They are now at a park. Then a beach. Then the city. Nobody appears to be contemplating mortality. |
| When you get old and start losing your hair, tell me who will still care | They do not appear to be losing their hair. Quite the opposite. |
Closing observation:
The song is an existential crisis written by an eleven-year-old. The video is three children having a thoroughly lovely Tuesday. Both are correct simultaneously. No rehearsed aerobics or any of on-stage choreography in this, but rather, natural.
Specifically mine:
When I first watched it on telly, I thought they were Australians with everything was shot somewhere in Australia. Honest.
It was 1997-98, I reckon — when I first watched it. I thought —
Oh, very energetic. Spot on. Hang on, he sang what? "Yester may relationship in nis hive, woolly wanted to relax, you goath still all a bathe is drive, you turning your back and you're gone so fast, oh yeah"? Mm. IS THAT A HE? Very radiant he. Ah. The MMMBop masks all. Quite.
The reason of that "Australian sensation" I felt was from their bloody hair.
THE HAIR.
You know, Bondi Beach energy, Queensland sunshine? My samples were not just one or two lads, these were all legitimate Australian indicators based on documented real world observations from actual Australian beaches. In 1997-98ish. My sample size was solid.
Well, their hair was victorious over the roads, which were CLEARLY American. The buses? American. The TAXIs, "San Fernando Valley"? Cars driving on the RIGHT side? The general urban landscape? Thoroughly American. Their actual spoken and sung utterances? Not even remotely Australian. Well, the slurring bit, but still NOT.
But somehow, they made LA look like Queensland with a camera angle and some wind. Indeed, I did notice some bits from the video. And that further cemented my assumption. And the music! That's beach energy music! Proudly Queensland! Well, maybe not that proud.
Anyway, THE HAIR held a referendum and won by unanimous landslide in my brain. Brain said —
Yes. No further enquiries needed. Case is dismissed.
And at that revelation moment, when we were discussing Australian bands —
— everyone was holding their belly. Incapacitated. As if I'd emitted tranquilliser-dart speech. One was having that quizzical eyebrows and shortly after, burst into... something else.
The best part is I kept this geographical misattribution entirely to myself for what, two decades. The best.
EXHIBIT C
Because of You — 98 Degrees (1998)
What the song is about:
Four men are devastated by love. They would like you to know this.
| What the lyrics say | What is happening in the video |
|---|---|
| Baby, I really know by now, since we met that day | Nick Lachey appeares on an Adshel. Then they are also on the Golden Gate Bridge. And a garden, a seashore. Quick zooming effects are deployed. |
| And if only you were here, I tell you, yes I tell you | A girl is travelling around San Francisco on buses, taxis, and trolleys. Alone. Unbothered. |
Closing observation:
The song is about profound romantic gratitude.
The video is a girl's solo city tour with four men inexplicably appearing on large roadside signage.
This is very natural for serenading men.
No emphasised aerobics in this, but rather, the result of proper weight lifting and running. Some of them.
Bulging biceps and triceps, accentuated chest, neck, and shoulder muscles. White singlet. Sweater. Baseball cap worn backwards. That other cap, a backward flat cap, specifically manufactured and sold for the purpose of being worn backwards. Moustache. Beige trousers. Beard.
Completely normal. Nothing to see here. Carry on.
EXHIBIT D
Sometimes — Britney Spears (1999)
What the song is about:
Britney is emotionally confused, romantically uncertain, and feels rather vulnerable, if that is fine with everyone.
| What the lyrics say | What is happening in the video |
|---|---|
| Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide | Britney is in an all-white outfit on a beach. A choreographed routine has begun. It was apparently always going to come to this. Smiling. |
| Sometimes I'm scared of you | Eight professionally trained backup dancers are executing a synchronised beach routine in perfect formation. Smiling. |
| But all I really want is to hold you tight | Sunrise. California beach. Wind machine. Coordinated aerobics. Smiling. |
| Treat you right, be with you day and night | The choreographer has given everyone matching moves. It is unclear who hired this many people for a song about romantic uncertainty. Sometimes, she smiles. Largely. |
| Baby, all I need is time | The routine continues. It is very well rehearsed. Absolutely very well rehearsed. Well, smiling. |
Closing observation:
The casting call for this video asked for dancers. Nobody asked for a therapist, which in retrospect seems like an oversight. The therapist could do the aerobics too. Eight of them, possibly more.
Oh oh!
Perhaps those dancers were actual therapists. Perhaps. We couldn't tell. They had hobbies. Either as a therapist or dancer. Perhaps the whole thing was clinically supervised all along and Britney just didn't mention it. She couldn't just put medical jargon for a music video. It wouldn't sell.
Example — Oh yes, baby, medical jargon! 🎵 — The notes are do mi sol la ti do re re re! Put somewhere in between a verse and a refrain, like a bridge of sort. And if you can imagine that, the "medical jargon" sung with "ti do re re re" unresolved note. You see, not quite... ears material. Well, it could, because it would land on "sometimes I run", the unresolved note I mean. But the words, completely unrelated. And that "do mi sol la". What in heavens, the aural shift would be immense. As if that were a completely different song injected into Britney's.
SPECIAL EXHIBIT: A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT — GEDANKENEXPERIMENT
What if Hollywood had applied this method to rock and metal?
They did not. They never dared.
Duality — Slipknot
What the song is about:
Nine masked men from Des Moines expressing psychological torment at volume.
Proposed video:
Honolulu.
A quiet beach at golden hour.
Nine men in Hawaiian shirts and flip flops walk slowly along the shoreline.
Several are patting dogs.
The percussionist has set up his full kit in the sand — a piña colada is resting on the hi-hat.
Corey Taylor watches a distant sunset with the quiet contentment of a man who has made his peace with the world.
The audio remains unchanged.
One is collecting seashells. The others follow.
Then they see her.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
— plays softly over a shot of gentle waves. A dolphin leaping serenely against a perfect Hawaiian sunset.
Nobody looks up.
Because if they looked up, they'd see the dolphin. And the sunset. They focus on collecting seashells. No time for that. "That" being the "looking up", not collecting seashells.
Because.
Right.
And that one lady — who sells seashells by the seashore, their spot — is another reason for them to look down. Literally gazing at the ground. After they pushed their fingers into their eyes. And that's the original reason, the pain from eyes poking, made them them look downwards.
⬆️ You see, seashells are free on the beach.
Or seashore.
She sells those.
She has no customers.
Because similar goods are all over the place for free.
These nine masked harbingers of sonic destruction are watching her fail in real time and ACHING for her. A massive second-hand embarrassment. From witnessing the most avoidable business catastrophe in retail history.
Pushing fingers into their eyes is unquestionably a natural response. The empathic agony. The helplessness.
A conclusion from a Harvard Business School case study. Well, possibly. They study cases.
⬆️ Someone at Harvard probably — Yes! I need to listen to MORE METAL. — Indeed, sir. That's quite liberating.
Closing observation:
This video does not exist. This is the correct outcome.
Jump — Van Halen
What the song is about:
David Lee Roth witnessed a man threatening to jump from a building and wrote an anthem about it. It is, at its core, about standing at the edge of something. The music is enormous. The energy is volcanic.
Proposed video:
A beanie.
A grey overcast morning.
A man sits alone in a subway carriage, staring at his shoes.
He glances out the window at passing concrete walls.
His coffee has gone cold.
He does not jump. He does not move.
He looks rather calm and a bit confused.
A single tear is not quite forming.
Because.
He is forming the lotus position.
The synth solo begins.
He looks at his phone.
There are no new messages.
Because.
It is 1983.
The man just carries a landline phone on his lap. No cord.
Eddie Van Halen's guitar solo plays over a close-up of a bus timetable.
The man stares at that bus timetable. Smiling. His lips move. We don't know what he's saying. The lips move like — Assolo di chitarra! Amazing-a! — but one can only guess.
⬆️ Well, he's happy. No further information.
Closing observation:
This video does not exist either. The actual video features David Lee Roth doing the splits in tight trousers on a soundstage, which is, in every measurable sense, the correct creative decision.
Janson
That was deliberate.
If Hanson were Janson, the "MMMBop" would be about how they enjoyed hearty Dutch pastries made of grand cheese, properly seasoned gobbet, mushroom, yolk — coated by crispy batter of... things. The magnificence from its very first bite! —
MMM... Bop! Verbazingwekkend!
— A proper reaction. A song emerged.
In an MMMBop they're gone! ⬅️ Sample excerpt from the stanzas.
⬆️ No mystery in that. Because they ate them. Immediately. With great enthusiasm.
The music video would be completely CONSISTENT for once.
Sixty-seven Dutch lads in a pastry shop, properly dressed, eating enthusiastically. No contradiction whatsoever. Well, sixty-seven is rather plenty for a band. They perhaps were inspired by Japanese idol groups. — AKB48? We kunnen het beter doen!
⬆️ The image of sixty-seven Dutch lads in a pastry shop doing a synchronised bite routine inspired by Japanese idol group formations whilst MMMBop plays is perhaps the single most specific and deranged mental image.
But! Here's the but. The Dutch cheese pastry song sitting there on the shelves completely unsold. Tower Records employees just staring at it. Not a single copy moved. Because nobody wants to buy a song that is exactly what it says it is! That's the whole lesson, isn't it?
The 90s taught us definitively that the product must BETRAY its packaging to sell.
"Don't Speak" sold fifteen million copies BECAUSE Gwen was jumping about in a yellow tank top!
"MMMBop about actual Dutch cheese pastry" would have sold approximately eleven copies, eight of which would have been purchased by the Janson family out of obligation and one by a confused Dutch baker. Worldwide. 11 copies.
Closing Note
The 90s produced approximately one of these videos per week. Nobody was held accountable. Several won awards.
The 90s here specifically started from 1995-96. Pre-1995 the videos were largely either performance based, pure narrative, or at least ATTEMPTING to match the song. Guns N' Roses' "November Rain" is theatrical but it's at least tonally consistent with the song! Melancholic song, melancholic video. Well, Aerosmith's "Cryin'" is another candidate. Or TLC's "Waterfalls", also a candidate. Though not aerobics-melancholy candidate. On second thought. 🤔
Then around 1995-96 something shifted. Possibly because MTV was at absolute peak dominance, maximum budget, and maximum creative chaos. Executives with too much money and not enough supervision.
And it does seem to taper off around 2003-2005, which tracks with YouTube arriving in 2005, fundamentally changing how videos were consumed. Budgets shrinking. TRL ("Total Request Live" — MTV term) era ending. The whole glossy Hollywood machine losing its stranglehold on the medium.
So roughly a decade of magnificent institutionalised contradiction! 1995 to 2005. A very specific window when Hollywood had enough budget to be completely unhinged but not enough internet accountability to be questioned about it.
Anyway, the hypothetical exhibits — not 90s per se — it should be noted, remain entirely fictional. No Hawaiian beach was ever booked for Slipknot. No bus timetable was ever used for Van Halen. The metal and rock fraternity was never approached with these proposals. And Hollywood, to its credit, apparently knew better than to try.
Indeed, there's no "Jump" by Slipknot or "Duality" by Van Halen.
Or "Don't Speak" by Bob Saget. No doubt.
The decade ended. Mm.
You know, ancient cultures had ritual mourning DANCES. Indeed, dances. Funeral processions with music. Weeping AND moving simultaneously. It's arguably deeply human. To name a few:
Caoine— Celtic. The keen. A wailing, rhythmic, swaying mourning ritual performed by women over the body. Highly physical, almost trance-like.Adowadance — Ghana. Performed at Akan funerals. Graceful, deliberate movements expressing the soul's journey. Deeply communal.Kecak and various temple dances— Bali. They incorporate mourning rituals with extraordinarily precise physical movement.-
Mekonenot— Jewish professional mourning women. They wailed, pounded their hands together in grief, and lamented in unison, one leading whilst the others responded. So important that even the poorest were expected to hire them. The word itself means not only "one who laments" but also "one who makes a nest". Referenced directly inJeremiah 9:17 (NIV)⬇️This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Consider now! Call for the wailing women to come; send for the most skillful of them."
Right. So.
Maybe Hollywood, entirely by accident OR NOT — by the power of quid for research — whilst simply trying to sell records and fill MTV airtime, stumbled onto something therapeutically VALID! The body NEEDS to move through pain. You cannot just sit still in heartbreak forever. At some point you have to get up and do the aerobics!
Closely related to somatic therapy.
Right right.
So Hollywood accidentally (or strategically) produced clinically adjacent therapeutic content and marketed it as entertainment.
Mm. Double mm's. MMMBOP then!
Corey Taylor and Taylor Hanson — we should combine their names.
Corey Taylor Taylor Hanson.
(Pause.)
As I've observed, TikTok smashed the music video nowadays. Song snippets, short videos focusing purely on a hook or catchy moment, filmed vertically or even on an iPhone, are now the dominant format. Nobody's booking a Malibu beach and forty thousand dancers anymore. The budget went. The ambition went with it.
Nostalgia is massive right now. People are actively revisiting mid-2010s aesthetics, fashion, and music.
But nobody's going back to the 90s properly yet.
And so, this post. 90s.
The magnificent unhinged contradiction of the 90s music video is a lost art. Nobody's accidentally commissioning somatic therapy via ska-punk aerobics anymore.
Ska-punk body jive, anyone?
See you next time. 👋
⬆️ 2001. Have a Nice Day — Stereophonics. Proudly Welsh.
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