Heat-Seeking Laser

There was that telly show, Street Hawk (1985).

The theme music is grand though. Street Hawk used the "Le Parc" track from Tangerine Dream.

---

I ride a motorbike.

Officer Jesse Mach, the main lad, rode a motorcycle with a jet engine shoved inside.

Jet. Engine.

The phrase "motorcycle with a jet engine" should raise instant alarms, like shouting "flamethrower in a nursery" or "chainsaw ballet".

Let's see here:

• Motorcycle ➡️ Two wheels. Balances by physics, gyroscopic motion, and rider finesse.
• Jet engine ➡️ A controlled explosion in a metal tube designed to catapult aircraft across the sky.

Together?

You'd launch into legend.

🛵 + 🚀 = 💀

The Newton's Third Law of Action Comedy

A jet engine has zero throttle forgiveness. It's either "gentle breeze" or "you're doing Mach 1 into a Wendy's".

And yet Street Hawk had this bloke casually riding through alleys, boosting past gangsters, doing 90° turns like he'd just played a round of Mario Kart. All black bike, glowing dash, rocket boost… AND perfect hair.

It's telly magic. Physics is just a guest star — only appears when needed.

If it showed the real-life physics, I believe it would be about him taken to the A&E in each episode.

A&E = Accident and Emergency (ER in US).

The A&E nurse would say, "Again?"

---

The Title

It's called "Street Hawk".

We know a hawk, right? The raptor, bird of prey, predatory bird. Adding "street" in front of it downgrades its status. As if the hawk were a dodgy bus passes dealer in a duct-taped trench coat.

Get your stamp? Cheap. Stamp? (Screech.) (Back to loitering near a kebab van.)

---

THE STREET HAWK ARMOURY OF MADNESS

• Machine guns

  Mounted somewhere near the handlebars. Never jam, never recoil, never run out of bullets. Fired while riding one-handed at 250mph, because balance is a myth.

• Rocket launcher

  Fires surface-to-air ordnance, but somehow doesn't flip the entire bike backwards like a Looney Tunes gag. Also used indoors. I-n-d-o-o-r-s.

• LASER BEAM

  A tactical anti-satellite grade laser attached to a Yamaha. It just knows what to vaporise.

• Control panel

  20 blinking buttons with labels like "STEALTH MODE", "HYPERJUMP", and probably "ESPRESSO". Jesse never looks down, just presses random ones during mid-chase. The untold psychic ability. I knew it.

This was Inspector Gadget meets Mad Max on a Yamaha. More weapons! More! Begone, logic! (Approved.)

---

THE AIMING DILEMMA

In any sane universe, a tank has a rotating turret. A helicopter is equipped with nose-mounted weapons which follow the pilot's helmet. Jet fighter has that computer-guided missile lock.

But on Street Hawk? Laser's mounted dead-centre on the front.

You want to hit a bloke hiding behind a lamppost? You must pivot your entire body and the bike, while travelling at warp speed.

Imagine Jesse flying down the road, sees the villain peeking from behind a crate, then:

HANG ON! LET ME JUST...

SKREEEEEEECH!!!

🌀 power-slide, 180° burnout, wheelie, slam throttle, laser fires.

By the time he lines up the shot, the villain's already had tea, done the laundry, and escaped to another postcode.

Realistically, it should go:

• Jesse tries to aim laser.
• Front tyre hits kerb.
• Bike flips.
• Laser hits random tree.
• Tree explodes.
• Jesse lands in a skip. (Skip = dumpster.)
• Episode ends with him giving a thumbs up while being wheeled into A&E (again).

And thus, they'd say, Oh, no problem. The laser is HEAT SEEKING. It's a heat-seeking laser! (Approved.)

---

Heat-Seeking Laser

A light beam that magically bends, homes in on heat, and melts trousers with pinpoint accuracy.

ENGAGE LOGIC-DEFYING PHOTON CHAOS MODE!

(Nod.)

The Scene Writes Itself

(Villain runs behind a hot dog stand.)

Jesse: Target acquired. Hot sausage detected.

Operator: Why the necessity to announce anything?

Jesse: Target acquired. Operator's mouth.

Operator: Uh. 👀

(Laser fires, curves mid-air like a paper straw in wind.)

(💥 Stand explodes. Bystanders cheer. 🎉👯‍♂️👯💃)

(Criminal somehow unharmed but impressed.)

Criminal: Blimey! That was PRECISE!

Operator: Oaaiey! (No apparent lips attached on the face.)

Bystanders (unison): Oi, this bloke's a menace... but wow, those trajectories!

Jesse: And that's how Street Work works. (Thumbs up.)

Operator: 👀

🤷

If Street Hawk had this script, it wouldn't have been cancelled.

It would've been taught in universities.

Professor, what does "Oaaiey!" symbolise in the lipless arc of Act III?

Pain. Precision. And the price of sarcasm.

Street Work: The Kebab Protocol.

Emergency +4 Theme (Intro & Outro)