🎥 Movies
❗Reality
Right?
Before we continue, did you notice the fingers, eyes, and reality glitch on certain fellows in the image above? Talk about treasure-hunting woe. ☠️🎻
We know the trope emphasises on adventures, dramas, and actions. But somewhere deep down, we also had that question. 🤔 Presumably. Well, I certainly had that.
How does that go exactly? Question. The rich part.
This is the trope where the adventurers roamed so bravely without obvious funding and sponsor and confidently presumed they'd be instantly rich just by locating the treasure from the information on a brittle goo-smudged paper — is it up or down or sideways? — ancient map.
I was baffled because films always rolled the credits before ever explaining the treasure conversion process, which, let's be honest, probably doesn't exist. The formula:
Drama build-up. ➡️ Adventure and action. ➡️ Found treasure. ➡️ Celebration. ➡️ Credits roll.
Treasure, in this context, refers to ancient valuables like coins, jewelries, utensils, chalices, paintings, amulets, and more — items from a time long past, not the currency of the era in which the film is set. If it were the standard money of that period, I wouldn't question it.
Let's Dive
Because, why not?
Once those treasure finders located the treasure, now the BIG hassle is to make the treasure as working money.
We don't pay a bag of potato chips with a questionable silver coin. Well, we can, but then it will disregard its actual value. Not to mention the chance that the cashier might call the authorities for that coin or simply refuse to accept it in the first place.
Furthermore, the curse attached to the treasure. That is quite a formidable conundrum, one hell of a pickle.
It's the treasure's supernatural safeguard. Once it's moved from its original spot or opened forcefully without a proper key... 👻👻👻👻👻
Spectres might chill in places or objects abandoned by the living for ages. That's the baggsie this one or dibs on this spot scenario. So the treasure involuntarily hosts spectres.
⬆️ Ever saw mildew or mould? Well essentially, the "treasure occupation" is rather similar to that.
Occupation = "the fact of living in or using a building".
Treasure, it holds so much emotion. That's why it's called a treasure.
And by moving the treasure, we accidentally also bring an entire family or a gang of ghosts.
Hey, hey, we live HERE! — sort of speak.
But there's another scenario. Let's say, the actual (treasure) owner deliberately put spells on it. That's a troll move, but it is actually their property. So. Well.
No Curse Scenario
Let's assume there's no curse on the treasure. It's simply, supernaturally clean.
loadsamoney for these?
Black market?
Let's put ourselves in their (the merchants) shoes. There's a customer trying to sell the goods to us. Right.
We examine the goods.
What, porcelain? Wood? Rusty metals? Bronze, silver, gold?
All right, silver and gold.
We would certainly haggle them down until they are left with no choice but to take our offer.
Now, let's take off the shoes.
The merchant most likely would sell the precious relics from the past for a staggering price to buyers, complete with "documents", "stories", and whatnots to support the fantastic pricing. But the buying part? As LOW as it can be!
📢 Step right up, folks! This here is a genuine, one-of-a-kind, 5000-year-old relic from the lost civilisation of... somewhere, ahem. Worth three thousand quid, mate, I swear! 👀
⬆️ If we slap a fancy label on anything and throw in a bit of theatrical mystery, suddenly it's the Holy Grail of... junk. There's nothing wrong with it. Profitable, even.
How about the pawn shop?
Similar situation with black market highly sophisticated merchants.
We may think it's like fine wine — gaining value over time.
ABSOLUTELY NOT from the pawn shop owner's perspective.
Museum?
The museum people are the officials. That would be an ODD getting rich method by bringing the treasure to them.
Fat chance we will get any money for all that trouble. And of course, the endless interrogations.
Because we've just handed them stolen goods. Stolen, because we mostly cannot prove our ownership. Mostly.
Museum isn't a theme park with so much daily cash flow — peak at weekends. We've been to museums, they never give out money for anything.
How about the bank? They do have money.
Agreed.
| Guy | : |
|
| Teller | : | Sir, do you have proof of ownership? |
| Guy | : | Uh... you see... |
| (Police siren. 🚨) | ||
| 👮👮♀️ | : | Sir, we need to ask you a few questions. |
| Guy | : | 🤦 |
Even if somehow we managed to prove the ownership, no bank would be handing us any money. They'd still keep the artefacts, and toodle-oo, please kindly leave.
Auction, then!
Let us proceed.
(At an auction house reception desk, somewhere in London.)
| Guy | : |
|
| 👩🦰 | : | Ah yes, sir. Quite lovely. And have you the provenance? |
| Guy | : |
|
| (Security arrives, armed with polite bell peppers and clipboards.) | ||
| 📋 | : |
Sir, under UNESCO 1970 pamphlet, we need to take you hostage.
I mean...
Escort you for a proper torture.
I mean...
Two, maybe three.
Come this way, please.
|
| Guy | : | 🤦 Not again... 🤔🤨 What? |
| 📋 | : |
(Escorts the guy.)
Anyway, sir. Did you know UNESCO's site is using... Drupal?
|
| Guy | : |
|
| 📋 | : |
(Suddenly very interested in his clipboard.)
We turn here.
|
| (There are no turns in that straight corridor.) | ||
| Guy | : |
|
| 📋 | : | To the PHP. |
| Guy | : |
👀
What's a "PHP"?
|
| 📋 | : |
(Pretends not to hear.)
This way, please.
|
Cryptocurrency?
Have you ever bought a can of fizzy using Bitcoin? I haven't. Shame on me.
Right. Let's do it, then.
- Need crypto, so start mining.
- Mining needs powerful GPUs.
- GPUs cost a lot of money.
- Need money to buy GPUs.
- But the treasure isn't converted yet.
- Need to sell the treasure for money first.
- But HOLD ON, we wanted cryptocurrency. 🤔
- Back to step one. Infinite loop initiated. ⚠️🔄️
NFT?
NFT is Non-Fungible Token. That is even. More. Intricate. But let's try.
We need a cellphone or pocket camera to take photos of the artefacts, internet connection to upload the images and to place the information about the objects, then some other steps afterwards. Fingers crossed.
Nobody owns any of those! Are you daft, man?
We are bloody treasure hunters, not anoraks! 😤 (Standing proud.)
Very well, then we shall continue.
How about knocking on some wealthy people houses and offering the treasure?
Brilliant! Let's go to the first castle. 🏰
| Guy | : | Good evening, sir. 🙂 |
| 🎭 Butler | : |
|
| Guy | : |
(Processing sentence... 💡)
Might we interest you in this 12th century golden idol? Very rare. Very shiny. Cash only, please. 🙂
(Handing the idol.)
|
| 🎭 Butler | : |
That is indeed a most intriguing proposition. 🙂
(Inspecting the item. 🧐🔬)
After careful consideration of its historical significance and aesthetic appeal, I am inclined to accept the entirety of thy offering for the sum of twenty.
|
| Guy | : |
(Processing sentence...)
(Processing sentence... 💡)
Wow! Twenty..... MILLION?
|
| 🎭 Butler | : |
Most certainly. 🙂
An abundant allocation of botanical assets. 🌿🍃
I bid thee to embark upon the noble toil of horticultural endeavour. 🧑🌾
Thou art hereby permitted to transport thy twenty million chlorophyll-laden commodities with the designated eco-conscious agrarian satchels. 📜
(Points the storeroom. 🫵🙂)
|
| Guys | : |
(Processing sentence...)
(Processing sentence...)
(Processing sentence...)
(Processing sentence... 💡)
(Yoink the idol from the butler's hand.)
🏃➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃➡️🏃♂️➡️🏃➡️
|
| 🎭 Butler | : | Utmost peculiar gentlemen. 🤨 |
Bugger... 🤦
How about the UNIVERSITY? YES! 😃
Ah, indeed! We haven't explored it.
Have we seen any permanent booth with Instant Cash sign at the university?
Say
Let's say there's a billionaire who's willing to buy the "ancient trinkets".
The person didn't become a billionaire by merely spending —
Let the money loose! 👀
One would calculate everything to the last drop. Sharp instinct. It's all about the return on investment.
In films, they're portrayed as making reckless, emotional buys with no profit strategy — unlikely, that.
Take for example that heist trope. That relic heist. By thunder, who would buy that?
Two "buy"s. ⬇️
Buy = "obtain in exchange for payment" or "purchase".
Buy = "to believe that something is true".
Because the default mindset once they owned ("bought") the stolen artefacts:
-
Brag to the World Well, who wouldn't do this? Self-explanatory. But! BEHOLD, everyone! I've got Cleopatra's golden eggs... But, uh, don't ask where I got them... I swear, no one was harmed... and, erm, don't look at the history books too closely… Awkward, that. I mean, why would Cleopatra even have golden eggs? She wasn't the queen of the Easter Bunny syndicate. -
Profit They perhaps would loan them to museums, charge for exhibitions, or even use them as a bargaining chip to forge deals with other high-net-worth individuals or even governments. High-value assets, those. But! How can they use those for those if those are sought by the authorities?
Not to mention the "little wink and a fiver" to keep 'em all mum — stolen goods? Per day. Unsustainable business model.
UNSUSTAINABLE.
Let's say it wasn't stolen from some museum or other similar establishment. But it was taken or stolen from some ancient site.
⬆️ Site = "a place where something is, was, or will be built", a physical place. Not a virtual place like a "website".
🤔
Not even GeoCities. ⬅️ An ancient website.
Nobody had the reference of the trinkets EXCEPT the treasure hunters themselves!
The billionaire certainly wouldn't buy that. Not unless they have some sinister plots to exploit it. After the bloke... has... learned the... story... of that. Which is presented by the treasure hunters in a relay fashion. That would certainly take time. Listening, paying attention, maybe a bit of reading, then the — Oh! Ah! Got it.
Never mind the billionaire's board meeting at ten and a helicopter at noon. This is rather important.
Say, the billionaire then understands the "power" it holds. After that intensely long explanation from the treasure hunters. He then strategises.
Like activating an ancient curse to manipulate the stock markets.
But... how would ancient spectres understand the stock markets? They didn't update their knowledge whatsoever. It's not merely immobilising five hundred blokes.
Sgt Spectre: Humans are immobilised. Job done.
Billionaire: Err... Good job. Do you know how to get to their servers?
Sgt Spectre: Yes.
Billionaire: Well, do it, then!
Sgt Spectre: Knowing and doing are different.
Billionaire: I see. So you're a theoretical spectre.
Sgt Spectre: 😤
Billionaire: 💥 (Immobilised.) Mate! I cannot move. I cannot... wink. Oh goodness gracious, I still can breathe.
Spectre Infantry D: Sir, why didn't you put the silencing spell on him? It's one package, sir.
Sgt Spectre: No, no, let him talk. I want to hear this.
Well, if the spectres could strategise with those 500 blokes... that would have a different outcome. But I'm quite certain they wouldn't bother to correlate anything but their supernatural... things. — Why strategise if we're ultra menacing at a certain... part... of the... skill spectrum? 💀 (Spectre choir in C flat minor. Which is B minor.)
Right, right. Back to the billionaire. Suppose he bought it.
The BUYING PART? As low as it can be, free is preferable.
As low as the purchasing price can go, free is preferable.
And if it's not free? Well, the billionaire's trick is to call it "art" — or "heritage preservation".
Buy an ancient trinket, call it culture, store it in a vault, and let the tax dodge itself. These artefacts aren't trophies — they're fiscal invisibility cloaks.
It's now not just treasure hunting, mate. It's classic money laundering in a tweed jacket.
But! Even with all that "art-as-wealth-vault" racket, the billionaire still won't buy the half-cracked goblet from some jungle. There's no receipt. No provenance. No Sotheby's auctioneer whispering — Circa 3rd century, possibly cursed. — Without that? It's just stolen rubbish.
STOLEN RUBBISH.
So you see. Even in money laundering, there's a... STANDARD.
But by golly, they've made it look so shiny that everyone's too busy applauding the spectacle.
And then we have Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones, the self-anointed constable of ancient trinkets — jurisdiction flexible, warrant nonexistent.
Of course, we can't blame the actors and actresses — they merely did the script. But we can always put the writers in a Cussons Imperial Leather-powered prison shower. The fragrance will give them new freshness.
⬆️ Because I saw this in a film. Hollywood's.
In it, in prison, they used the Imperial Leather soap!
They took the label off, but the shape was unmistakably Cussons'.
Remarkably, old‑school motels or simpler budget hotels give us those sodding pebbles.
Hello, dear valued customer. Shower time? Please enjoy our Eau de Bawbag.
But in that film —
Attention, inmates! Shower time. Apply the provided Cussons Imperial Leather soap bars.
Oh all right, maybe it was an imitation, who knew — with similar mould. Cousins Emperor Essence. Moving on.
So I remember the soap, but not the title of the film, or even the performers. Because I was mesmerised — WAIT. Cussons? In an American prison? WHY? — And that stole the entire picture. Oh, there was a razor blade being employed confidently somewhere in that shower too. Not for shaving, mind.
Right.
So there's no real endgame. It's all about the next stunt, the next camera shot, and who can look the most smug while defying the laws of physics.
And that applies to Scrooge McDuck. The poultry with the beak-glasses. There's no ears, mate. What are they hooking onto? Duck cartilage? And don't get me started on the tiny lenses. They don't even cover his eyes properly! Just wee transparent pancakes wobbling about.
Oh, that's just a cartoon — you might say. Well, yes. Not until he got bloody rich by "selling artefacts" from his "treasure hunting" adventures. To whom? To whom, I demand. That needs a dissection. Nay! An autopsy!
No trousers = brilliant. Tiny pancakes glued to his beak = fine. Rich = autopsy.
Now pass the scalpel.
Bob doesn't consume the entertainment, he audits it.
Bob: 👀 ❓
No Logic Is Allowed
Absolutely.
Did you see the chocolate biscuit sticking out from his front pocket? If you did, then you have keen eyes. 👍
Chocolate biscuits are good for watching films. They have chocolate flavour and crunchy. Very sugary. Mm. Sugar.
Never mind the ants, it's the style that counts —
haute couture avant-gardiste. 🍪