Just Schwarzenegger, Just Sylvester

There are actors who play characters. Then there are actors who are characters — and the character simply has no say in the matter.

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The Monoliths

I was observing Arnold (Alois Schwarzenegger) and (Sylvester Gardenzio) Stallone in films. Those two specifically, because they have "zero range". Every time they played in a film, the supposed character kneeled down before them.

We always saw them in films as... themselves. Right?

Arnold

• Hercules in New York (1970)

  Confusingly mythological Arnold. As you can see, "Hercules" is the Roman version, but his daddy in the film was Zeus, the Greek god. Akin to "by Jove". It's all bonkers and we shan't question it. But still, the muscular Arnold.

• Conan the Barbarian (1982)

  Arnold with sword.

• Terminator (1984)

  T-800, you say? That's Arnold.

• Predator (1987)

  Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefe? That's just Arnold.

• Kindergarten Cop (1990)

  That's simply Arnold minus the explosives.

⬆️ If the producers put "Arnold Schwarzenegger" as the character name, I guess the audience wouldn't mind, presumably — I wouldn't.

Say for instance, that... "Little Red Riding Robin Hood".

⬆️ I squashed two titles: Little Red Riding Hood ➕ Robin Hood.

🤔 But with Arnold as the main character. And the movie would be about him muttering about, breaking bows, being little, wearing red tunic, and lifting blokes — that's it.

I'll be back, Sherwood Jungle! Knock-knock. Friar Tuck, get to the... helicopter.

No need for "character naming creativity". Specifically for the character played by Arnold — it's simply "Arnold Schwarzenegger".

The film can be titled anything: "The Phantom", "The Muppet Who Nicks Things" — anything, but the intro and closing credits:

Arnold Schwarzenegger as HIMSELF 💪

🤔

People would be utterly confused. But also, amused. I mean, in "The Phantom", I surely would think, Ah, so, as whom he will be playing? Hmmm. Intriguing! Yes, most people would rather chew glass than use "whom" properly. Blimey, chew glass. My analogy is out of line at times.

And "The Muppet Who Nicks Things", too specific yet too general.

Stallone

• Rocky (1976)

  Stallone wearing boxing gloves.

• First Blood (1982)

  John J. Rambo? That's Stallone. Wielding M60 and a machete. Without the boxing gloves.

• Cobra (1986)

  Who else?

• Judge Dredd (1995)

  That's not Bob. That's Stallone.

• The Expendables (2010)

  Blimey, Stallone AND Arnold.

And then I compared them to, say, Robin Williams (RIP). The man actually depicted the character he was supposed to depict. Well, still with Robin's face, of course. But the acts, he embodied the character. Not to mention Johnny Depp. That bloke is an esteemed chameleon. Or Rowan Sebastian Atkinson, or Sacha Noam Baron Cohen.

⬆️ They played the characters — the characters didn't play them. Robin Williams was Mrs Doubtfire, Johnny Depp was Jack Sparrow, Rowan Atkinson was Mr Bean, Sacha was Borat. You saw the character, not the actor wearing one.

Neither is necessarily right or wrong — the Monoliths have given us some of the most entertaining cinema in history precisely because they're just unapologetically themselves.

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Imagine

Arnold played Peter Pan.

(Arnold)

I am Peter Paan. I come from Neverlaand!

(Delivered with complete deadpan.)

(Tinkerbell) 🤔

(Arnold)

(Staring at Tinkerbell.)

Mum, I don't want to become an adult.

(Tinkerbell) 👀 Mister Pan, I'm Tinkerbell. I... am not your mum, unfortunately. 🧚

(Arnold)

Thanks, Mum. GET TO THE CHOPPER! 🚁

(Tinkerbell) I... can fly, apparently... sir. 🧚

(Arnold)

GET TO THE CHOPPA! CAPTAIN HOOCH! CHOPPA! 🚁

And the final confrontation with Hook — no swordfight, absolutely not — Arnold just picks Hook up entirely with one hand and throws him into the sea with that flat expression going:

Hasta la vista... Baboon.

Then walks away without looking at the explosion.

Oh yes, after he hurled Hook into the ocean, there was an explosion from an unexplainable source. You see, the sequence:

Hasta la vista... Baboon ➡️ lobbed Hook ➡️ splashing water sound ➡️ 💥 (sea water on fire)

The sea simply respected the assignment.

Now, Stallone played Mr Bean.

(Stallone)

(Mumbles at a perfectly innocent teddy bear.)

Die.

(Extras) 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

(Directors) 🤔

(Audience no. 1) Is that... funny?

(Audience no. 2) Are we supposed to laugh?

(Audience no. 3) Oi! My crumpets are melted!

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Neither school of acting is wrong, mind you. The chameleons give us extraordinary, transformative performances. But the Monoliths have given us some of the most purely entertaining cinema in history, precisely because they show up unapologetically as themselves regardless of what the script demands.

Arnold will always be Arnold. Stallone will always be Stallone.

And Neverland will never fully recover.