I was on YouTube. This film was featured on my homepage. The title caught me off guard.
The Transposition
First of all, it's:
Shaolin vs Ninja
But then...
On Startpage...
Oi, let's swap things around, nobody would notice.
Propaply because no proper "American Shaolin", only "American Ninja" — thus the reflex-swap.
🤷♂️
American Shaolin. 🤔 It sounds like "Zen with shotguns" or "igloo skyscraper".
Or perhaps IMDb did:
You see, "N" is before "S" in alphabet. Let's try that:
The machine hath spoken. 👑
The Title
Right. Let's continue. The title is bloody abstract.
Shaolin? Which part?
- The entire institution?
- The whole temple complex?
- Every monk in the province?
- That one particular lad?
Ninja? Is it
- the word itself?
- that one bloke in black pyjamas doing cartwheels?
- the entire shadowy clan from Kyoto?
- the concept of stealth wrapped in interpretive dance?
🧐
Ninjas (shinobis) were MI6 field agents / CIA operatives of feudal Japan.
Ninja = shinobi.
Shinobi (忍び) is the original Japanese term, meaning "to conceal oneself, to endure, to sneak".
Ninja (忍者), same meaning, but it's the Sino-Japanese reading of the same characters (忍者). Ninja as a word didn't really become common in Japan until the 20th century. Thanks to pulp novels, movies, and TV shows in the 1900s, then exploded into pop culture in the 1960s–80s.
Sino-Japanese = words/phrases of Chinese origin in the Japanese language.
"Sino-" simply means Chinese.
This "ninja" trope in entertainment, it should be accompanied by a book titled,
How to Gather Intel While Knocking over Bins, Spining Nunchucks, and Yelling “HIYAH!” before Tripping over a Dog Bowl and Cannot Remember Anything. On Tuesday.
It should contain a lot of words. And a lot of diagrams. Electrical, even.
⚠️ Mandatory read in the Ministry of Tactical Nonsense.
The Synopsis
The synopsis on YouTube justified everything by using "intertwined".
Well, the gist of it.
The culprate, I must see.
As the two show off there weapons...
There weapons? Aside from its charm, English should go 😵💫
That's like ➡️ I eat, there, meal.
Or maybe ➡️ As the two show off... THERE! WEAPONS! Proper jumpscare.
Styles and shapes. As if Shaolin prefers hexagon flow, while the ninja utilises rhombus strike.
Now the two groups must drop everything and deal with the evil power.
Drop everything, including the trousers. 🤔🙋♂️
Drop everything, lads. Scrolls, nunchucks, dignity, trousers—ALL OF IT.
The evil power approaches, and we're going into full surrender mode. Spectacular. I nod.
The evil! Stop bickering and drop your pants!
No evil force can compute that level of tactical absurdity. Maybe.
So then I watched the film. 😂
Oh, what an amusement that was. 👍
The Blimey
I was mesmerised. If ninjutsu had those frontal tactics, there would be no ninja, ever.
No such thing as "American Ninja", it would be "American".
Michael Joseph Stephen Dudikoff Jr. wouldn't have the chance to say, Hi, I'm a ninja. You can tell by the fact I'm being followed by a camera crew and a synth guitar riff.
Instead, he would mutter, Hi, where am I? I'm a [blank].
As you might observe, this is utterly contradictory. Yet here we are. Hi.
In that film, ⬇️
Oi, let's surround the bloke and flail about. Shurikens, lads!
And I waited for them to converge into some sort of Godzilla-bot — no luck. 🤷♂️
Imagine seven blokes in black pyjamas clattering together like mismatched IKEA parts until they form ShurikenZilla 3000.
ShurikenZilla 3000, commence! Activate. Engage. Combine. Incorporate. Aggregate. Trousers. (As one bloke lost it in the process. Trousers.)
He can't say, "Lads, me trousers!", everyone would side-eye him. "Trousers!", in confidence, confidently.
The only one bloke shouting about trousers like it's classified intel.
Blimey, a ninjutsu-lad would also go blimey!
That isn't ninjutsu, that is Kabuki parkour with budget weapons.
🧐
Ninjutsu is more of a 20th-century revival / reconstruction, not a one-to-one survival of what shinobi actually trained in centuries ago.
Shinobi trained in various practical survival skills and martial arts. Basically, take a normal warrior's training, then add spying, trickery, sabotage.
🧐
Parkour began in France in the late 1980s and early '90s, rooted in military obstacle-course training (méthode naturelle) and adapted by a group of youngsters in Lisses, led by David Belle and inspired by his father, a firefighter who trained in that method.
🧐
Kabuki sprang up in early 17th-century Japan, credited to a shrine dancer named Izumo no Okuni who began performing lively, dramatic skits in Kyoto around 1603.
🧐
Godzilla first stomped onto screens in Japan in 1954, created by Toho Studios as a metaphor for nuclear destruction in the wake of Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and the Lucky Dragon No. 5 incident.
🧐
Voltron debuted in 1984 as an American adaptation of two unrelated Japanese anime series (Beast King GoLion and later Armored Fleet Dairugger XV).
Yes, Beast King GoLion.
⬆️ Thus you see 🤔
Go Voltrachu KaijuNunchax Omega 9000!
The Awkwardness
It's a mashup:
- Ming/Qing dynasty monk robes (Ming: 1300s-1600s / Qing: 1600s-1900s).
- Edo samurai costumes (1600s–1800s).
- And "occupied China" (1930s) narration as the duct tape holding it together.
It's the cinematic equivalent of making a WWII movie where Churchill wears a Viking helmet, Rommel shows up in a toga, and the Americans parachute in dressed as cowboys. ⬅️ That actually is wicked. (Ali G vibes.)
Big up da Mongol Empire, innit?
Historical accuracy got kung fu kicked out of the window before filming even began.
Not a single motorcar, lorry, or even a rusty bicycle rolls past. What part of China in '30s was that? Everyone walked and ran? Not even a horse or rickshaw? But those buildings... they had stones.
Perhaps the region was called "Legging It".
And the motto could be "Transportation = Limbs, deal with it." ⬅️ Actually, it sounds wholesome, until it doesn't.
🧐
In real 1930s Manchuria/China, we'd see trains, trucks, soldiers marching with rifles, telegraph wires, maybe even a gramophone crackling in the background.
Amusing, if we think about it. Deeply. Not clearly.
Monks with Santa beards. 🤔
You better watch out 👀
You better not cry 🙈
Better not pout 🙊
I'm telling you why ⁉️🙋♂️
Shaolin Claus is coming to town 🥳🥂
The Story
I didn't follow the plot.
There were people in it, then parkour, shouting, sitting, standing up, ropes, ribbons, and such.
One bloke said, "We must go to China. With all my strength, I'll get revenge!", clenching his fists. The other bloke replied, "Bla bla bla." Then continued, "Right!", clenching his right fist with his podao in his left hand. The prior bloke continued, "...and get revenge for his debt!" or "death". The scene was ended by them doing a power combine grip. Quite excellent. That's a dialogue.
Then all of them fought indoors. That's a classic pub shenanigans, indeed. Shouting, sitting, standing, ribbons, then [blank]. Oi! Why am I on a pavement?
Not to mention they constantly slapping the forearms. That needs forearm stamina.
Imagine if that were brought to Shakespearean, Hamlet would be intensely different. To be, or— CLENCH! SLAP! 'RIGHT! (Dramatic parkour across the rafters.)
If that other bloke said, "Left!", perhaps the podao would be in his right hand.
Shaolin vs Nina
Now that, is a movie title that shouldn't exist.
This summer....
The Shaolin institution, 1,500 years of history, thousands of monks, tiger stance, crane stance, scrolls, relics, and even that courtyard squirrel — all mobilised against one woman named Nina.
Available in 4K on nowhere.
No IMDb entry. Only rumours.
But! 🤔 Which Nina?
At least, we are more specific with the "Nina", unlike "ninja".
And "Shaolin" in "Shaolin vs Nina" could be Bob. Indeed, our lad, Bob. Quite famous as the BathsheBOB.
(Bob is reading.)
As opposed to "Jennifer Love Hewitt", it's "Robert Saw Lynn". People simply called him Bob.
The actual film has Robert Tai in it.
Hence "Robert" fits.
All right, it's
Robert Saw Lynn versus Nina Hewitt,
then.
(Judge bangs the gavel, squirrel faints.)
The Lou
If you look closely at the Google Search screenshot, you'll see the main character is played by Alexander Lou. "Lou"?
As in Lou... Louis [Roman numerals here]?
It's usually Lo (羅). Or "Luo" in Hanyu Pinyin romanisation.
He was a former taekwondo champion of 1978 Taiwan, class unknown, but roundhouse kicks confirmed deadly.
Indeed, he's not the one who said "With all my strength", clenching both his fists dramatically.
As opposed to Wasm (the WebAssembly), it's WAMS (With All My Strength).
If the WebAssembly were abbreviated as WebAss, it would still mean a binary instruction format for a stack-based virtual machine — no change.
There weapons.
The correction above ⬆️, the not bit, was brought to you by a bloke shouting at me, "Hang on... that ain't Lou. That's Brother Tanaka from the prop department!"
Blimey, I need to pay attention to the plot. 🤦
Imagine if he were Lou, then, in the name of a bleating sheep, he would be... on both sides? The plot thickens!
Exhibit:
I'll get revenge on those lads!
I'm one of those lads.
Well?
Thus the saga is complete.
Shaolin vs Ninja ➡️ Ninja vs Shaolin ➡️ Lo (Luo) ➡️ Lou.
SAW LYNN VS NINA
We have Robert Saw Lynn and Nina Hewitt in it.
Bob (Robert) is played by Jean-Baptiste Louis-François de la Fromage-Duchamp.
Jean-Baptiste Louis-François de la Fromage-Duchamp is a Swedish actor.
Nina is played by a song by Jennifer Love Hewitt in 200[?], DekanErab.
🎤🔈 (Acoustic feedback. 🙉) Please read DekanErab from right to left.
The song "DekanErab" starts like this:
Did uoy reve evah taht maerd 🎵
Erehw er'uoy gniklaw dekan nwod eht teerts 🎵
Dna enoyreve tsuj serats 🎵
(Clank clink clank. 1 = G)
Take that, boustrophedon!
Gniklaw and enoyreve tsuj serats? Trousers, mate.
Oi, this one's a right bleedin' picture, innit?
Saw Lynn vs Nina: The Synopsis
In a world where balance sheets and broken hearts are intwined, Bob Saw Lynn, a mild-mannered accountant with thick glasses and thicker ledgers, discovers that his quiet life of numbers is under threat. Nina, a mysterious played-backward-but-not-really song whose motives remain unclear, challenges not just his arithmetic but his very sense of order.
What begins as a dispute over missing receipts soon escalates into a high-stakes confrontation involving staplers, tax codes, and the meaning of petroleum itself. As Bob and Nina — Nina, the played-backward-but-not-really song — lock horns in conference rooms and filing cabinets, their struggle reveals a culprate lurking in the background: unpaid takeaway burger.
Now, the two must confront the truth. Only one will balance the books. Bob, obviously. There weapons.
There weapons, I write this sentence for meself. Therefore, "there weapons" comes into play with its plural styles and shapes.
Saw Lynn vs Nina: The Theme
Title: WAMS
Lyrics:
With all my strength!
I saw one, ever!
La la la la la, la la la la
LAAAAAORGH!
Key: 1 = A or go with F# minor scramble. ✊
Saw Lynn vs Nina: The Laurel Wreaths
Audience Member #42 is a menace. The person was like, I write! I do. Indeed, apints is subtler than opines.
We should give #42 a raise.
And that lad, Bob — look at him! As if he's about to audit your soul.
Drink tea. Fear Nina.
Hej, jag heter Jean-Baptiste Louis-François de la Fromage-Duchamp. I'm from Gothenburg, Helsinki-raised. Rock on!
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