There was that telly show, Street Hawk (1985).
The theme music is grand — "Le Parc" by Tangerine Dream.
The Intro
He was a motorcycle cop, injured. Now, he's riding a more deadly motorcycle.
A top secret government mission to ride... Street Hawk.
... designed to fight urban crime. Capable of an incredible speed up to 300 miles an hour. 🤨
And a Minsk firepower. 🤔
(PVCs tumble. The wall loses them. Plung. Dung. Tung. One rolls. Clonk.)
The Guest Star
I ride a motorbike. If I rode a papaya plant, then I wouldn't ride the bike. It's either the plant or the bike.
Officer Jesse Mach, the main lad, rode a motorcycle with a jet engine shoved inside.
Jet. Engine.
The phrase "motorcycle with a jet engine" should raise instant alarms, like shouting "flamethrower in a nursery" or "chainsaw ballet".
Let's see here:
- Motorcycle ➡️ Two wheels. Balances by physics, gyroscopic motion, and rider finesse.
- Jet engine ➡️ A controlled explosion in a metal tube designed to catapult aircraft across the sky.
Together?
You'd launch into legend.
🛵 + 🚀 = 💀
The Newton's Third Law of Action Comedy
A jet engine has zero throttle forgiveness. It's either "gentle breeze" or "you're doing Mach 1 into a Wendy's".
And yet Street Hawk had this bloke casually riding through alleys, boosting past gangsters, doing 90° turns like he'd just played a round of Mario Kart. All black bike, glowing dash, rocket boost… AND perfect hair.
It's telly magic. Physics is just a
guest star
— only appears when needed.
If it showed the real-life physics, I believe it would be about him taken to the A&E in each episode.
A&E = Accident and Emergency (ER in US).
The A&E nurse would say, "Again?"
The Title 🔗
It's called "Street Hawk".
We know a hawk. I assume we all know a hawk. It's the raptor, bird of prey, predatory bird. It's unlike a papaya plant.
Adding "street" in front of it downgrades its status. As if the hawk were a dodgy bus passes dealer in a duct-taped trench coat.
Get your stamp? Cheap. Stamp? (Screech.) (Back to loitering near a kebab van.)
Did it just collect tickets?
The Music 🔗
They did it properly by featuring "Le Parc". It's Quixotically heroic (Don Quixote?).
If they were simply clanging frying pans and PVCs together without rhythm... ❓
Featuring, some band clanging plumbing supplies and cookware together with no rhythm! Cheap!
🤔 I... have to pay for that?
Cheap!
No rhythm, you say?
Rhythm is for cowards! This is the anti-music. A clangadelic battle cry against overproduced nonsense. Cheap!
If you put it that way... What a pitch. Here's my wallet. Wait, I need my IDs and cards. There.
👀 It's bladdy empty!
You said "cheap". 🤷♂️
Ah, touché.
Please give me back my wallet.
Here.
Please give me your trousers.
Tangerine Dream didn't just slap together noises — they summoned digital knighthood.
"Le Parc" feels like Don Quixote charged into the 1980s wearing a MIDI breastplate and shouting:
I joust… in stereo!
On a 1,000 cc custom Ducati Monster.
THE STREET HAWK ARMOURY OF MADNESS
-
Machine guns
Mounted somewhere near the handlebars. Never jam, never recoil, never run out of bullets. Fired while riding one-handed at 300 mph, because balance is a myth.
-
Rocket launcher
Fires surface-to-air ordnance, but somehow doesn't flip the entire bike backwards like a Looney Tunes gag. Also used indoors. I-n-d-o-o-r-s.
-
LASER BEAM
A tactical anti-satellite grade laser attached to a Honda XR500s or such. It simply knows what to vaporise. The laser, not the bike. Or maybe it was the bike all along. Or the operator. He operated everything, Jesse was the throttle yanker. 🤔 Perhaps Jesse was just being dragged along like a courier with delusions of grandeur. Oi, you sit here, yank that. That's your secret government mission.
It's like discovering the Batmobile was being remote-controlled the whole time while Bruce Wayne was just in there making "VROOOOOOM! PEW PEW!" noises with his mouth.
-
Control panel
20 blinking buttons with labels like "STEALTH MODE", "HYPERJUMP", and probably "ESPRESSO". Jesse never looks down, just presses random ones during mid-chase. The untold psychic ability. I knew it.
This was Inspector Gadget meets Mad Max on a Yamaha or Honda, either one. More weapons! More! Begone, logic! (Approved.)
Though they repelled common sense, no papaya plant was featured in the show.
THE AIMING DILEMMA
In any sane universe, a tank has a rotating turret. A helicopter is equipped with nose-mounted weapons which follow the pilot's helmet. Jet fighter has that computer-guided missile lock.
But on Street Hawk? Laser's mounted dead-centre on the front.
It's like a papaya plant. 🤔 … Just sort of... stands there.
Aye, I sort of stand here. Biscuits?
You want to hit a bloke hiding behind a lamppost? You must pivot your entire body and the bike, while travelling at warp speed.
Imagine Jesse flying down the road, sees the villain peeking from behind a crate, then:
HANG ON! LET ME JUST...
SKREEEEEEECH!!!
🌀 power-slide, 180° burnout, wheelie, slam throttle, laser fires.
By the time he lines up the shot, the villain's already had tea, done the laundry, and escaped to another postcode.
Realistically, it should go:
- Jesse tries to aim laser.
- Front tyre hits kerb.
- Bike flips.
- Laser hits random tree.
- Tree explodes.
- Jesse lands in a skip. (Skip = dumpster.)
- Episode ends with him giving a thumbs up while being wheeled into A&E (again).
And thus, they'd say, Oh, no problem. The laser is HEAT SEEKING. It's a heat-seeking laser! (Approved.)
Heat-Seeking Laser
A light beam that magically bends, homes in on heat, and melts trousers with pinpoint accuracy.
ENGAGE LOGIC-DEFYING PHOTON CHAOS MODE!
(Nod.)
The Scene Writes Itself
| (Villain runs behind a hot dog stand.) | ||
| Jesse | : | Target acquired. Hot sausage detected. |
| Operator | : | Why the necessity to announce anything? |
| Jesse | : | Target locked. Operator's mouth. |
| Operator | : | Uh. 👀 |
| (Laser fires, curves mid-air like a paper straw in wind.) | ||
| (💥 Stand explodes. Bystanders cheer. 🎉👯♂️👯💃) | ||
| (Criminal somehow unharmed but impressed.) | ||
| Criminal | : | Blimey! That was PRECISE! |
| Operator | : |
|
| Bystanders | : |
|
| Jesse | : |
|
| Operator | : | 👀 |
🤷
If Street Hawk had this script, it wouldn't have been cancelled.
It would've been taught in universities.
LASER = Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.
Or, LAbSEoR.
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